Backtrack
by andthecosmogirl
Summary: I'm late and I might be too late and I'll admit I'm never on time but I was always so insecure and I always needed help but now I see it's flipped and not that you need help but I want to take care of you, grow together, be with you again. I'm ready to do this. SeanEmma present-day. Also sprinkled with a bit of Jay/Manny and Spinner/Darcy. (Updated 11/14)
1. Midnights & Cups of Coffee

Chapter One

Midnights & Cups of Coffee

The bells on the door jingle as a figure trudges in to the warmth of The Dot, the neighborhood eatery at closing time on a Saturday night. The streets were bare aside from a few cars; it's at this time that Emma typically closes down shop and goes home.

She carefully picked up a cup left behind at a table to send to the back. Focused on her craft she didn't really budge making sure she didn't drop anything. She often believes it's not a normal workday if at least one mug breaks.

No sooner she goes to acknowledge the person standing before her and was about say the words that everybody hates, "_sorry,_ _we're closed_".

She then carefully glanced at the man standing by the door as if she wanted to shout their name out, as if she recognized them but the words didn't come out. Frozen. Solid.

She stood there stock still, frozen in shock; in disbelief she dropped the coffee cup that was in her hands heard it shatter and did nothing.

Quickly, the moment the cup slid from her hands he lunged forward into the light inches from her. He missed the cup shatter by seconds as it had fallen on the hardwood and shattered, her eyes darted toward him instantly, and her eyes narrowed as if it was a dream, her head cocked, "Sean?"

"In the flesh." He said sheepishly uncomfortably combing his hand through his cropped hair. He looked different, mature even wearing turtleneck sweater much like the one he wore on their disastrous first date. The chance of even recounting the detail was perplexing the detail was something that brought her comfort a feeling, a place, a moment she hadn't thought of in years.

He looked _different_ to her but it was no way he was anybody else but Sean. He just looked older, perhaps taller, more refined.

He was muscular, tall and wearing a nice winter jacket made of brown leather and looked by all definition of the word _hot_. It was winter and Degrassi was back to its 30-degree freeze. Sean was as handsome as always but much more grown up. His trademark look jeans just a little more refined with this relaxed fit and a gray pair of converses. He awkwardly flashed her a winning smile showing his dimples in an effort to fill the silence.

Emma was happy. She imagined this moment for a long time she just never expected it to be this moment, in this place at this time. "It's really you." She was in a trance-like state the silence filled the time with thoughts and recounted memories bubbling up to the surface of their minds. Just the sole need of wanting and needing the other to be there but simply just recounting all the reasons with them was more than enough to bear. It was in that moment that all the things you'd want to say, like "why?" or all the things you'd imagine you'd want to say just vanish and all you hear is the silence.

Emma's been sort of hopelessly dreaming of this moment since he left nearing four years ago, shrugging it off like something that would never happen dreaming about it since the moment he left and now she's thinking, never say never.

"You look good. Really good." Sean said looking around searching for the words to say.

"Likewise." Emma answered still entranced.

Emma was wearing a pair of slate gray leggings and a lavender tunic. Her long flowing hair was tied up in a hair-tie with loose curls.

Six months ago she began seizing control of The Dot. Product of an amicable split between her and Spinner leaves her with managing the place that holds over a thousand memories both good and bad. She never thought she'd ever say she loved her job until she began owning it. Emma and Sean were the first customers at The Dot when it opened the summer before freshman year. Sean eyes around the empty café. "I uh like what they've done to the place. It looks unrecognizable . . . no red décor, bricks. . Looks very clean, very _you_."

"Well I had a hand fixing it. We had a fire a few years back, so we rebuilt it from the ground up. It was my first day. Sounds like a bad omen huh?"

Emma oversaw the construction that followed the big fire, since Spinner took ownership of the space The Dot was sort of Emma's baby. It distracted her from the cracks that formed within their marriage. For a time it even saved their marriage during the early period as they worked together, hired employees and got it up and running again. Peter even opened the attic back up again and they raked in more business. The Dot was their lively-hood until personal problems; his insecurities and jumping in so early made their marriage somewhat of a bumpy road that eventually ran off the rails. It was mostly trust that contributed to the cause of things to crumble. The only thing they could have cited on the papers was, irreconcilable differences.

When they were splitting the assets up during the divorce he gave it to Emma as his parting gift because he knew she loved it and that The Dot had held a special place in her heart. Spinner didn't want to divorce though he _agreed_ to it.

He couldn't bear to come back to a place that holds so much significance to the girl he married but hardly ever knew.

"You like?" Emma spun around proudly modeling the new look of the restaurant.

"I _do_ like." Sean nodded looking down at the broken ceramic that he was half tempted to clean up his hand hovering over it, "Has Spinner been around? I was uh hoping to see him. Sorry about the cup."

"I shouldn't be so clumsy." Emma scrambled to change the subject she eyed him reach for the shards of ceramic, "Let me give you a hand with that." Emma called as she walked to the back to get a dustpan and a boom. She added when she finally emerged seconds later, "Wouldn't want you cutting your hand."

"I didn't expect to see you here tonight, in here, in town working. Hey weren't you in college?" Emma began sweeping as he asked her some valid questions.

"Let's just say Smithdale didn't work out. I'm going to the community college now."

"Poly science not for you?"

Emma stopped what she was doing and thought of not explaining herself on this particular occasion on why things didn't work out with her and school. School had never been a problem for her; she was a great part of Sean's successes. She was successful herself.

"Not that necessarily I just wasn't feeling it away from home."

"Oh you missed your mom huh?"

"It wasn't like home if that makes any sense. Everyone was so gung ho, even I was gung ho about going to Smithdale with my best friends but in reality I don't think I was ready to leave home behind yet."

Before Smithdale, Emma had never been away from home more than a few days. It was an easy and welcomed transition for both Manny and Liberty to get away from their homes with their overprotective fathers and more than willing to indulge into the wonder that is college. She tended to need something to lean on.

When she discovered she wasn't going to be rooming with them, she freaked and made every arrangement possible to get them to room together like they had always wanted and planned to thinking that would get her to ease her uneasy. It worked for a while, then Kelly came into the picture and that was another ball game. Emma added, "I guess wanted to be close to home. Manny and Liberty are still there and I visit them every now and then. I take classes at TU. I just think I got overwhelmed, out of place and then my crusader ways came back and I started attending school less and less until I went on this biking excursion and . . I got myself kicked out. No motivation at all what so ever. I never thought I'd be like school isn't for me because I was always good at.

She turned around, to look at him again and pulled him into a tight hug, "Sorry for not doing this sooner. I just - I'm glad to see you. I never thought I'd see you again after everything," Emma paused swallowing hard, "the way you left they way I left things sort of up in the air."

"You should know since we're venturing down this conversation, you're the reason I uh came back home. I told you that I would and if I remember correctly you told me I shouldn't make that promise."

A coy smile played on her lips. "I know I just I guess couldn't deal if something were to happen to you. Did you happen to get any of my letters?"

"Every last one. I was expecting one recently but I guess you've been busy keeping up with the place which by the way looks great."

For the year she was married she didn't write Sean until it was over, she knew Spinner wouldn't have fared well if he knew she was still speaking to Sean. Spinner had major trust issues. Most of the destruction in their marriage had to do with his insecurities that would eat away, if a male customer or a new trainee got too close to Emma he would be found asking her in the bed they shared if she'd ever cheat on him.

When Emma is in something that her heart was into the answer was no but in this case she wasn't sure so bringing Sean into the equation the answer would be yes and she in her heart of hearts could never put Spinner through something like that again.

You can't just dive head first into something like marriage following a major blow like what happened between him and Jane because it doesn't end pretty. "I'm sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"Just a cup of joe would be nice. Just cream, maybe some vanilla flavoring?"

Emma snickered at that comment as vanilla bared some significant memory but she had beaten him to the punch. Emma got creative on one of those late nights where she stayed at The Dot and was mixing flavors and coffee grounds and made a new one all her own. "So tell me, Sean how's life, I've talked enough about myself. You seem just so . . grown. I-I just see this whole new Sean emerging. I can't deny that I like it."

Emma put her apron back on and took to the coffee machines and put on a nice roast. "This rost is a vanilla rost, it's my personal favorite, and it even smells like it."

"I'll take it. How much?"

"On the house." Emma grabbed the coffee she wanted to show him, "Smell?"

His eyes closed as the smell wafted, fragrant a familiar smile was brought back to him, a smell of comfort. "Vanilla."

"I figured you'd like it." Emma sort of went to work with prepping to make the coffee. She likely wouldn't stay open or serve at this late of an hour but Sean was an exception, an old friend. Even if she were at home she'd make him a coffee, heck she'd even make him something with meat even if is against her wishes.

Sean sighed, "To answer your question, I just know I've been blessed with a lot of things, things I took for granted when I was young. The stressful things I wish I didn't sweat before. Real world is tough."

In his pause she said, "Couldn't agree with you more. I think you had your normal worries in your life but I think you've more than overcame them."

"It wasn't worth it to stress myself over every little thing I ever did because I never got to smell the soil, or appreciate the little things like coffee there weren't moments like that in the army. All I did was cling to those little things that I never truly appreciated but always loved." Sean offered a smile that Emma wordlessly returned, when the roast was finished she poured him and her both a cup and gave him the sugar and the creamer.

He added, "It was very much rigid but at the same time it was the best thing that could've ever happened to me and I needed that kick in the pants. I needed that to remember what was truly important to me, how to provide for my goals and ambitions and you were the one who always believed that I could do something about. Mr. Simpson too."

"I remember I didn't want you to go, for my own selfish reasons but I'm glad you got what you needed. School wasn't for you and I shouldn't of held on too tight because I guess thought I needed you. We did leave things kind of on a sour note I mean I try not to think of that but instead try to think of the good things. . but I just felt like I was the one talking all the time and you . . were always in this deep deep thought and I wish I knew what you felt for me."

"The same as I do today. I was never honest with this though, I owed it all to you. You intimidated me you were so smart. I never felt good enough for you. Like I didn't deserve you. Like you were this perfect princess and I was this prisoner locked in a tower who didn't deserve you. I was always down on myself. I used to think we were so different but I don't now. We both wanted the same thing but I was too chickenshit to say anything. There were so many things I should've said to you. There were so many things I wish I did that I don't know if I could change."

"It was you who I wanted to be beside when those things come to fruition it's just you Emma. I guess I needed the distance to wise me up. I guess I needed to see the world. Whatever it was, every step of the way I loved you. I don't know when, I don't know where it started and I don't know why I never said it before. It was somewhere between when you announced to our English class you got your period and between the time I wrestled that gun from rick and we just hugged there for awhile as uncomfortable as I was to be that pillar to just hold you there. That hug affected me. My life would never be the same and that I wanted you there. It was a complicated time for both of us and I sometimes feel I let you down so you were the first person I wanted to see when I came back that year. I wanted to tell you then and I had so many opportunities."

He paused while Emma just stood there mesmerized in silence she had never heard him say things like this, at all, about anything or anyone. What could she possibly say? What could she possibly say to rebut or follow such a confession, how could he have kept this from her for so long? Had she always known? Were they both just far too stubborn to admit the truth?

"I knew then I wanted to be more than I was but I just needed the tools to survive the small things. I wanted to tell you it was going to be all right. I just thought you knew I guess. It's going to sound strange but I loved you before I even knew what love was. I never felt that way before but I knew it was the feeling that everyone wants and that I always wanted. I never thought I ever had, you know with my parents. I know I had this terrible knack of screwing things up though, when I hurt you when we went out. I know that wasn't me, my lifestyle but my unfortunate actions that broke your heart." Sean sighed; he wiped his eyes with his hands.

"I know you've seen other people before. I know you've been hurt again. You're not alone. I won't be hurt if you reject me right now. I just feel like I owe it to you. I don't care if you're forty and fat, I don't care if you have eight chins I don't care if your boobs are bee stings or as large as mountains your heart made me into the person I am now and I know I'm late and I might be too late and I'll admit I'm never on time but I was always so insecure and I always needed help but now I see it's flipped and not that you need help but I want to take care of you, grow together, be with you again. I'm ready to do this."


	2. Confessions

Author Note: Thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate it. I hope you all enjoy the chapters to come.

Chapter Two

Confessions

A wave of emotions filled her. Her eyes welled and one blink would result in the tears pouring from her eyes, she was moved by anything he had to say. If it was the phone book she'd be moved by how he would name every name. There were millions of things she wanted to say but all she could feel is how much is a failure her romantic life is a big giant dead end that would only lead to heartbreak for both of them.

"I'm unlovable, Sean." It was beautiful though what he said and after all it was what she had always been dreaming of and it was everything she wanted to hear. She just wish she knew before but he had beat her to that punch by apologizing for that delay. Everything that she didn't feel she was worthy of. Not anymore.

"How could you say that?" Sean furrowed.

"Is there any wonder I'm alone? Isn't that proof enough? I've pushed everyone away. It's arguably what I do best." Emma wiped the bottom of her eyes with her hand, "I wouldn't say Liberty and I were ever truly close and Manny I haven't talked to them in _months_. I didn't know how to tell you this and I don't know how you'll react because – God knows last time a bombshell was brought to you how you'd react now."

"What you pregnant or something?"

Emma shook her head somewhat amused by Sean's hopeless attempt to lighten the subject, he would probably think up another reason because he still saw things good about her. He had to know the truth though as sad and depressing as it is. "Truth is I was married before.

Sean spat out his coffee in reaction. Her eyes widened, surprised that he didn't walk right out the door and she wordlessly pulled out the chamois rag near the latte station and cleaned up the mess quickly throwing the now soiled rag in the sink.

"I was drunk in Niagara Falls."

Sean laughed.

"You're really laughing? It's not funny."

"It's just unexpected is all. Unexpected of _you_."

"Ever since I was a little girl I wanted this perfect wedding that would later unfold into this perfect marriage, with perfect everything picket fences and cooking food, cuddling on the couch, no arguments possibly a dog or something. Here I am and I don't even remember my wedding. We almost annulled the stupid thing. Truthfully I don't know why I didn't but I just was tired of being alone. I hate myself because I used to judge people for making some bozo decision like that and I did something like that myself! I sound like a giant hypocrite. I just never imagined that stuff for me. Look who I used to be. Now look at me, flunked out of college, distant from life long friends and now this black stain on my life being divorced from a guy I did a science project with when I was in the eighth grade cleaning up after a fire I caused trying to help him get over his ex girlfriend I didn't even know her or him for that matter. The stranger served me food for years, barely said eight words to me aside from would you like more bread sticks or another soda here and there but yet was suddenly my husband. I slept beside a stranger for six months. I just feel so stupid." Emma swallowed hard as her tears fell freely, "You don't know me anymore, Sean and the Emma you used to know . . . "

"Is still there. Always fixating on being perfect and you are perfect . . . you know I'll never think of you any different. Who were you married to?"

Emma sniffled nervously as she was making a cyclone of her coffee with the spoon and looked at him point blank, "Tell me Sean, who did you come in here looking for?"

Bewildered Sean questioned, "Spinner?"

Emma turned around not facing him, taking a sip of her coffee, "Believe me, I wanted to write you. What could I have said?"

Sean hesitated, "I understand. I do."

Emma sat on the chair, and held on to her cup, "I wrote you letters all the time. Some I never even bothered sending. Then, I thought maybe this whole wedding was a mistake because I halfway hoped that maybe if you did come to it you'd . . stop it. Snap me out of this crazy thing. I just thought that wasn't something you'd want to hear about, I wanted to even invite you to our friends and family wedding but I knew I couldn't face you with that decision you'd tell me I was being stupid I didn't listen to anybody I just didn't want to be alone but I didn't think I'd feel even worse knowing I know nothing about him. He just wasn't enough for me. He was so nice to me and he was polite, respectful and never wanted to make waves. He was a good person but I didn't deserve that because I settled for it even if it's not in my heart. I wanted to get married so bad because I fucked up college and it would take my mind off it, ease that disappointment but I feel like the ink barely dried on the license before I realized that too was a mistake. I should have known. We butt heads a lot, I made him hate me I pushed him away. I'm no good, Sean."

"Emma, I don't care I don't. I assure you I can live with the fact, I do live with that fact and you know what it doesn't change how I feel because I felt this for so long. I don't care what you did. I know once I overreacted. . when I got mad when I wasn't even with you when you hooked up with Jay. I know. . and I feel terrible about that still. When I was deployed you were the main motivator. Better myself and I'd find my way to you again."

"Sean guess who cares? I do! Because it was my mistake and I guess . . I don't know anymore. All I ever wanted was you, Sean. A-and then when I did find something it just reinforces everything I ever felt since I was twelve. A-and assume you never walked in here tonight or if he was here instead of me you would've found out through him you would've hated me. I would've never known your feelings. Honestly I thought you were going to walk out as soon as I told you the truth. It's exhausting. I thought I was dreaming when you came in here. Heck, I think I might be dreaming this very moment. I thought I'd never see you again. But I can't lie to you, I can't turn off my feelings for you but I know you deserve to hear it from nobody but me. I used to be scared to tell you things. You held your feelings for me inside of you, I was the reason you pushed yourself as hard as you did but I'm not worthy of your affections. I'm not worthy of this love you have for me because I don't have love in me! I'm ruined, I'm weak! I should have just waited for you but I grew tired of that because I thought you'd never come back to me or that I'd ever see you again. I tried to move on, yeah lasted a few months . . I just still felt for you and it felt all wrong."

"But you do have love in you, Emma. You wouldn't say these things just to say. Maybe you don't believe it because you have it complicated. We have always had this complicated thing and yeah it sucks because it's never worked out but I still see it and you love me so you have love. . but if you don't walk to talk about this stuff, I understand that too."

After a long pause, Emma took a sip of her coffee, "Try it."

Sean took his cup and took a sip, "Delicious." He blushed sighing, "I understand."

"I know you do." Emma just smiled.

"Since I should have closed things down here and closed awhile ago, why don't we get out and take a walk when we finish our coffee? Where are you staying?"

"I'm staying at Jay's, temporarily until I find an apartment."

"To answer your question about Spinner for the record I have no idea where he's been for the past six months but between you and me I'm sort of worried though. Off the record I know I shouldn't be because I told him to go because I was angry at how it all ended up. That it would be best if he left town so I could heal. I just didn't think he'd actually follow through with it. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to be with him. Seeing the way we left things it was him who was still wanting this marriage and I wanted out. I mean, no call no anything to me but I understand why but for Jay? His best friend it's just plain weird. I know he's alive just . . doesn't want to be contacted. He's told me he hasn't a clue where he's been either and he hasn't contacted our friends but he's distant like me but completely cut off from everything and everyone."

"I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he got out-of-town and took a trip or something."

"I have no idea." Emma shook her head wearily, "I just hope he's happy. I feel like it's my fault that it ended."

Emma was sure Sean wasn't really paying attention during the silence that followed as she grabbed the dishrag she managed to playfully throw it at his head, bewildered he pulled it from him and laughed, his laugh was so loud it filled the room, even less conviction and half-joking he asked, "You want to mess with me? I'm big trouble."

Sean playfully tossed the rag back to her, which she caught with her face as well.

She was overcome with laughter, Sean followed suit and then finally she spoke, "It's funny. I haven't thought of that in years, it makes me kind of happy."

Sean got over his bought of laughter and smiled, "It makes me happy too. I've missed you."

Emma looked at him. "You know I've always missed you every time you'd go away and I was . . . you scared me when you came back. I didn't expect it at all. Still got the picture?"

Sean went into his wallet and pulled out two images, the one from the infamous first date, the one with them much older. She remembered the later - that day like it was yesterday. He asked her to take that photo with him. She treated it like it was the last time she'd ever see him and it scared her more than it let one. She wanted to make it count. No guy ever came close to what she had with Sean; he was in a class by himself.

Emma has always had a knack to fall hard and fall fast, probably stemming from her life without a father before finally accepting the truth about her biological father and accepting Archie as her father. Even after she grappled with constants or people she thought would be constantly there. When she was with Damien she appreciated his smarts but quickly she regrets ever dating him, with Chris she liked his smooth flirtatious ways and his music they would give one another burned cds as anniversary presents he would listen to her music and she was listening to his music and sometimes he would get his brother to teach him how to make mixes and mashups of the two sometimes they were sworn hits and others were misses completely and Kelly was a lot like her but much more relaxed they were homebodies away from home and arguably better friends than they ever were while they were together. Ultimately everything she thought Kelly was in fact wasn't true at all. He kept her sane during school but at the end of the day she was too much for him and she leaned on him too much forgetting he had insecurities too, Jay was a vulnerable time for her but he had this gleam in his eyes regardless if he was acting sincere. Their interaction back stage after her last scene in Dracula was really telling on how he thought of her. He even thought she was Little Miss Perfect with a virtuous nature to her. She never thought that way about any aspect of her life she knew she had a lot of people's impressions of her or assumed perceptions of her and in this, she was confused. No one ever tapped that part of her mind.

There's always this sense of knowing with the others that she never had with Sean. With Peter he used to wine and dine her, treated her like a princess, a trophy but there wasn't love there it was this substitute for that. She felt like she owed him for how he stuck by her through her eating disorder and she was waiting on bated breath for her to be betrayed by him at the same time. They weren't fun, the job wasn't easy with her few relapses during stressful times.

In the years that followed high school and later college, Jay and Emma have actually become friends, real true friends possibly even platonic best friends. They talk daily. When Emma got married to Spinner she started spending a lot of time with Jay with and without Spinner. At first it was a strange transition but it started to become more natural especially when things started to go south in the marriage. She would trust enough to confide in him about things and try to get him to talk to Spinner about things to get things to get better. Oddly enough, they never touched on their high school experiences except that he thought she was really pretty and a good person even though he made fun of her a lot, and when she went to the car races she looked hot but besides that the talk of the ravine was pretty much off-limits. He helped her realize her ultimate feelings on Sean, Spinner and other things in her life. Since Manny isn't around so much, he became her substitute Manny and thus in that becoming one of her best friends.

Sean always stuck out and not because he was her first love. First loves never truly die, neither do first heart breaks and he's up there in that ranking. The first of those things makes it so significant, after Sean the relationships crash and burns. Things were never simple, always something complicated, there was unexplored and unfinished business and undiscovered territory always with Sean, always unwritten because true love is never said to expire but although it retained all that was familiar to her it was somehow shiny and new each time they'd meet. There was never a dull moment when they get together, never boring.

"I made you dig through the trash, and you still liked me." Emma reminisced eyeing the picture, "Also looks like I got in a fight with a crimper and lost."

"I thought the crimps were cute. Is that what they're called the '_zig zags_' in your hair?"

"Oh my, I'm wearing overalls like Liberty used to." Emma switched her gaze to Sean and beamed, "I see young Sean loves turtlenecks, and look, something's never change."

Sean looked down at his attire, and pulled on his turtleneck, "Excuse me, Emma but I'll have you know its cold out."

"Not what I meant look what you're wearing in the picture, silly. Always so serious."

Sean snickered, "How about that. Funny story, I remember I came home that day and I told Tracker. Actually I told him about two or three days earlier that I wanted to ask you out but I didn't know how so I asked him for advice and he said, " Sean mimicked Tracker, "You want to look like a stud right? Wear this. I figured then I needed advice, on how to ask you. So I sat and rehearsed it in my mind. I thought of like bringing up some like big point I was going to say something like, You movies with me 6:30, I mean I had so many I was going with but I threw 'em all out the window."

"Yep and I hadn't the slightest clue what you meant. I didn't know if it was a date or not. I couldn't believe someone other than Toby Issac's would ever be interested in me. I was boy kryptonite."

"So I heard you asked around what I meant by_ hang out_. I didn't want to say _go out_ because then I was afraid you'd ask where, why or no. By saying hang out I kind of left it open so you'd say yes."

"Like I would've said no though, Sean. I was practically dying on the inside. Oh boy did I ever have it bad for you." She playfully nudged his arm.

"Then you attacked me at gym class . . ." Sean trailed off.

"Only because I thought you were cancelling, because when I asked you something about it you were like_ Uh yeah_ . . like you were about to bail."

"You intimidated me! What can I say?" Sean explained, "You were just . . So up front and I was so . scared of you."

"I was four-foot nothing and I was so not scary, Sean. That date though was by far my most embarrassing moment in the world."

"What was more embarrassing than bird poop? Or the part where you lost your wallet?"

"Both. I felt _really_ bad when I realized I had it on me. I thought you'd never want to date me again."

"Tracker said that it'd be okay, just talk to you on Monday and I did. Tracker really rooted for us."

Emma smiled, and asked resting her head on her arm leaning her elbow on the counter, "How's he doing anyway?"

"I actually just visited him, he's doing really good, arguably the best he's been in a long time. Owns a Goodyear in Washington in the States. Got a nice chunk of change, he's pretty set. Does some side-work on friends cars and he also puts out ads in the classifieds for people who need car help for relatively cheap. He's got a little boy whose I think about 6 with his fiancé but I think they're married he said when I was at war, her name is Wendy who I don't know if you ever met but they met out somewhere drinking and I didn't expect anything to come out of it but they really clicked. Love at first sight they complete each others sentences and I think Tracker has become a better person with her."

"I'm happy for him."

"Yeah, me too." Sean grinned, "I mean for the three years he had to put up with my shenanigans I figured he deserves that sort of family dynamic that he never had, I never had growing up. I'd want that for my future children too even if my future children wind up being a pet like a big awesome springer spaniel."

"Like Charlie?"

"Like Charlie. How do you remember that? We only talked about Charlie like once."

"I remember a lot of things you'd tell me. I pay attention when you'd talk. I remember Media Immersion room, you were working on homework and you did your project on Springer Spaniels. You told me about how you missed him and how he was and that his name was Charlie. It was one of the moments I realized I really liked you because it was a side of you I didn't see before. You were smiling there. Your eyes were bright, it was this glimmer of hope in you that always was so clouded by whatever else was going on with you. It was something else." Emma's cup was finished, she noticed she had been pretty much half paying attention to her coffee so several minutes had gone by with them strolling down memory lane. "You done your cup?"

Sean looked down at his, "Actually yes."

Emma looked at the clock, it was almost eleven and it was later than she intended stay this late if she wanted to get to sleep if she wanted to pick up so groceries in the morning. After that she'd decide if she wanted to get to her nightly ritual Netflix and ice cream before drifting off to sleep. Tonight was different and she was feeling particularly adventurous, "Let's just put our cups in the sink clean 'em and get out of here. I should have left hours ago. We can take a walk or something."

Sean followed Emma's cue, and put his cup in the sink, rinsed it out and put it in the rack to dry. "I'd like that." Sean put his hand out to her for her to hold, "Where to miss?"


	3. Memory Lane

Chapter Three

Memory Lane

Sean and Emma walked in the park surrounded by trees with a black top path illuminated by tall, well-lit gas lanterns lighting the way. The park itself wasn't far away from the main road and was about a stones throw away from the back lot behind The Dot and is well-known as a popular destination for picnics and even contained a tiny playground for children that was empty as expected at this time of night. The trails led into the woods and if you came to the park early enough you'd see the joggers getting in some exercise before they start their busy day. It was late, the night was starry and it was just them, which was nice, refreshing to just be able to walk at their own pace. His hands were in his pockets and her hands were hugged around herself in trying to keep warm, she was wearing a black cardigan sweater that wasn't exactly doing the trick but she wasn't complaining. The conversation continued the evening through with Sean questioning, "So tell me what's it like being the boss?"

"Fortunately for me, I come in when I want since we have managers and others who work under me and staff on hand. I just own everything and I meet with them to see what products are moving or what needs to stay and what needs to go. I want it to be a place where people who are young can have some pocket change to go out and do things and just be kids. Have what experience I had when I used to go there. I try to come in at least a few times a day," Emma answered modestly.

Sean offered some sentimental upside to the perks of being your own boss. "Can't argue with free coffee right?"

"Free coffee, " She stated in agreement, "That _too_. Definitely a perk. Also, structure. Structure in my life is good something I never really thought about until I started there. I'm financially safe so it's just another plus. Nobody's really asked me about that heck, I don't really talk too much anyone except strangers who come and go and the employees. I try to make it fun by having different events and adding new things and customization to the menu."

Sean liked to hear her talk about her business that she made it all right, even if it was without him. He knew she could do it all by herself, but he needed to be gone for her to realize that. Even though she was missing him, she still managed. It may not have been the ideal but it's still secure. He just wished that even though he is happy for her, that he could have been there for that just to see it all happened for her to dive head first. Even apart they both did things that shaped them into who they are today. "That's really nice, Emma. I'm happy you found something. You're not a failure."

"I appreciate that."

"Local artists sometimes will hang their artwork up in hopes someone might buy it or just simply admire it from their seats. It brings new life to it changes the experience. We recently sold a painting for like $500 dollars. Some bigwig rich guy bought it for his summerhouse. It was huge. I didn't expect it to go but it did. A barista named Fitzgerald who worked here with us painted it during a tough time in his life while he was in juvenile detention for bringing a knife to school. When he came asking about a job I thought to myself whom should I be to stand in his way to better his life. I just can't see him doing anything like that, he's this nice kid."

"Not destructive like _Rick_ you mean?"

Emma nodded with hesitation, "Right I mean Rick was a complicated story there was always something wary about him. There were times when you didn't understand how he would tow a gun into school and others where you could see him breaking down in this big way. For a while I blamed myself for that because I was unkind to him. One of the last things I said to him before the showdown in the hallway was something awful."

"He was just so . . chilling. I spent a long time making sense of it and it was pretty senseless and I really don't like to think about it. I just knew that there was a good reason to leave him alone until he started messing with my friends that is."

"I don't either, but I do know one thing." Emma looked at him and her hand managed to grace his, "I wouldn't be standing here now if you didn't think fast."

Sean hesitated for a moment and tightly grasped her hand tighter, "How'd you know?"

"I know you better than you know yourself. You've wanted to do that since we left The Dot."

"That's scary alright? Stop doing that."

Emma continued laughing audibly, "It's easy."

"How do you do that, then? I want to know your secrets."

"Body language." She replied, "it says a lot about your behavior and what you're thinking and feeling. I sense I make you a _little_ nervous. Genuine that's why I believe in you. Everything you said back there completely and utterly honest. Look, I can't help it. I'll stop talking about it though if you'd like. It won't stop me from analyzing you though."

"Well you must like what you see then, right?" Sean asked.

"Yes. I do like what I see. You look _good_. I thought I said that already."

"Thanks. I had to be in shape and stuff of course." Sean flashed his winning smile really built up by Emma's unspoken compliment, "I'd work out almost 7 hours a day."

"I've never seen this side of you. I think we've talked more than we ever did this night over any other night in our lives."

"It was a much-needed catch up . . it's really telling."

They stopped walking and just looked at each other under the light of the gas lanterns that adorn the park about half way down the park they had strolled slowly catching up on little things, oddities and memory lane. A light wind had let the small waves on Emma's hair waft from side to side and the long loose cardigan she held tight to her body with her other arm, "Cold?"

"Extremely," when she spoke her teeth started to clatter. Living in the moment though she didn't care about being cold that they were just enjoying the company.

Sean offered her his jacket, taking it off and Emma can see the fruit of his labor in the weight rooms on his military base, she avoided that familiar blue eyed gaze but beamed still, and wordlessly agreed to the inquiry as he draped the jacket over her shoulders and Emma adjusted it. Although oversize on her slender frame and heavy from it's material on her shoulders she slid her thin arms into it's sleeves but to the untrained eye you couldn't see they were even inside, a shy thank you escaped from her lips.

"I feel like sort of an ass for not seeing you were cold sooner, I just like really got caught up in conversation."

"So did I." Emma confessed shrugging taking in the warmth of the jacket, "I had forgotten how cold I was myself, no apologies it's fine."

Sean paused and walked facing her his back to the path ahead, "It's funny, I had played out our first meeting since my leaving since it happened. I'll say that none of them I ever thought of would end up like this. I had thought you would have told me to leave when you did see me."

"I would never -"

"And then I thought you wouldn't but then I would because I couldn't take what you'd say back to me. Which prepared me for any outcome, good or bad and -"

"I imagined things too. ." She sort of trailed off, "I didn't expect it to happen this way at all."

"I see so much in you that's lovable, Emma."

"Really now, like what?"

"Like for instance you're gorgeous tonight in this light. You look beautiful." Sean avoided her gaze which while he was looking down at his feet she was looking at him; they alternated from time to time. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird it was just how they operated. They made each other giddy like the teenagers they had been and the teenage quirks they never quite grew out of. That and Emma totally not being able to take a compliment.

"And how you offered me coffee even though you just cleaned up. And how embarrassed you got when you dropped that cup by mistake because I must have scared you when I came in. I just used to dream, day-dream so many times that you'd walk through that door and then when you did I had to know if I was dreaming. Here I am in the cold and I still haven't woken up. Like this new beginning, like serendipity something I never thought could ever happen to me or to us." Emma sighed, "I always thought you'd forget me."

Sean looked her in the eyes, "You're unforgettable. Plus I had pictures of you but I never really needed them because you're permanently ingrained in my memory."

"So are you. I could never forget you either, Sean."

"I have no idea and I don't want to know - where I'd be or what it'd be like without you. You believed in me when not many people did. You helped me see what was it that made you like me so much. Even when we were at odds you wanted what was best for me."

"Remember that summer when you worked on Snake's car?"

"Yeah." Sean said flatly, "I knew I had blown it with you. But you'd give me lemonade and offer me lunch so we were civil. I wanted to apologize about things but we never communicated besides the old 'how's life?' and even then it was very . . tense." Sean thought to himself.

It was in that moment Sean had realized he had truly damaged Emma. Things were never the same between them after they had broken up and he knew she had been disappointed in him. Sometimes disappointment is even worse than anger because while someone could be angry, it does eventually fade because disappointment in someone it never really goes away and it's hard to change the persons changed perception of you once someone is disappointed in you.

The fact that he had stolen from the only people who believed in what was good in him in the heat of the moment or in anger was something that changed their entire dynamic. They went from dating and being best friends to becoming strangers and enemies. She was unable to count on him, trust him and began to hate him and all that the stood for. She wanted revenge. She wanted him gone because he broke her heart and violated her trust and he wouldn't even tell her the truth worst of all. Even if he did, she would have never believed him. She was even surprised when Snake came around and forgave him or at least entrusted in him to fix the family car which had gone awhile without routine fix ups due to him being too busy with being sick all the time that year.

Worst of all after they broke up for real for the first time it was hard for her to see him anywhere like at school, in town and much less her home. She went from practically jumping out of her skin with excitement and warmth when she'd so much as hear him say a single word to her to hatred and anger when she so much of heard anyone say his name. As much as she wished it would all go away, she couldn't. What he had done was something he could never fix. She thought she would never move on. Ironically enough she managed to find someone but they only reinforced that she found it nearly impossible to contain her strong feelings for someone else.

She swallowed her pride that summer did her best to make him feel welcome and knowing what he had done. If Snake could forgive that great of a disappointment so could she. Despite her anger and misplaced hatred for Sean at that time she hadn't looked down upon him because she knew he was better than the rotten crowd he ran with. She decided it was time to let go. It wasn't a time to hold on to the past because life as they knew it was over and it was time to move on. She knew that he wasn't himself when he did all those awful things. Why should she crucify him?

When he finally was able to apologize for all of it in Wasega Beach, she brushed it off, water under the bridge even though the damage had already been done. Saving her life in that hallway on that faithful afternoon more than made up for it. Where they had both been at the same place at the same time was nothing short of a miracle, the miracle that she'd forgive him and be able to say those words to her and really truly mean them because he was seizing that moment that wasn't ever guaranteed.

He had so many chances to tell her how he really felt, but rather show her would have sufficed until he grew the courage to say it. How he always had felt but was afraid, but he never knew why or what exactly he was afraid of by telling her the truth. He thought he would say it when they'd reunite again, he had the speech practically memorized but he discovered she was with Peter and he so much of lost his nerve. Even when he lived at her house for those few weeks after being released from jail they'd sit there in silence just holding one another and not wanting to let go, or at least he remembered not wanting to let go and he wanted to tell her then, finally and make it official but to no avail. He had her and his fears took over. What if she didn't love me too? In retrospect, perhaps he wasn't meant to say it then, they didn't know what was going to happen next. Perhaps she knew his feelings and it was wordless and unnecessary.

"I didn't like who I was, I was never proud of who I was unless I was with you." Sean added, "I went through a time where I fought everything and everyone. Nobody understood me but I didn't exactly give 'em a chance to either. I thought Ellie did but she was too wrapped up in her own messes to even be there for mine and then I even was stupid to think my parents could but I couldn't pile my things on their long laundry list of things.

Jay and his friends liked me. But Jay was different; he liked me you know why? I deafened someone and he was _intimidated_ by me. That's why he initially befriended me. I'll admit it felt good for a while, he referred to me as _his_ type of people."

"Jay, I got him all wrong you know?"

"Are you guys friends?" Sean inquired.

"Of course. When Spinner and I were together we were and then we stayed friends even after. He's like a brother. Even given our bizarre past. How we became friends after we hated each other is beyond me really."

"How is he? I mean I live with the guy but he seems _different_."

"He _is_ different, he truly fell in love - with _Manny_. Can you believe it? He's never been that happy in his life. She's like the light of his life."

"What? How did that happen?"

"She love tapped another car, I took her to the garage to get it looked at and he was able to fix it before her parents saw it. I would never sway her different from Tony's." Emma smiled, "Jay said if you ever came back around he'd hire you in an instant, he owns the garage now because Tony retired. He always said you guys made a great team."

"When we were getting along." Sean reiterated Emma's lending hand, "So I guess he asked her out as repayment?"

"Actually she asked him out to dinner with her parents where she was hoping they'd flip out but they actually _loved_ him. Much to her dismay because she was hoping her father would flip. She wanted to attend college for acting and that's why she lived at my place for a while because her dad was totally against it. They had a few bumps in the road, broke up for a time but they're still together and totally not engaged."

"Yesterday, Manny was on the phone with Jay and she said that she'll be back from a shoot next week and that she wants to have drinks. Maybe double up? She so surprised to hear I was back in town."

"Are you sure that was just you looking for an in to ask me if I wanted to have drinks with you?"

"I know you'll say yes." Sean answered confidently, I'm just so -"

"Happy?" Emma offered reaching for his hand that he gleefully accepted.

Sean confirmed breathlessly, "_Absolutely_ happy. How did you do that?"

"I'm happy too. The happiest in a long time. I couldn't tell you when. And I'm analyzing you again."

"Stop that." Sean's hands were on her shoulder, pressing down lightly. "It's weird."

"Stop making it easy." Emma happened to glance down at her wrist and saw what time it was. "What? Is it really almost one?"

"Time flies when you're having fun." Sean said offering her a hand; "I can walk you home if you need to be there."

Tonight Emma feels like doing nothing concerned with sleep. She doesn't care how cold she is. Standing in the dimly lit park with the guy of her dreams brings her so much happiness she could never duplicated sandwiched between a blanket and two pillows in a double bed alone no matter how tired she is at this moment, "No need. I spend so much time sleeping."

"It's so cold I wonder where we could go that's still warm but where we can still be together."

"My place?" Emma asked.

"Way to be forward, Emma Jeez."

"I wasn't Sean, I wanted to show you my awesome house is that so _wrong_?"

Sean thought about it for a moment, "You're right, so you don't live with your parents?"

Emma shook her head, "Of course not. I got my own apartment one of the first things I got when I moved out on my own." Emma motioned which way to go, "Come on we'll go this way it's not far."


	4. Warmth

Chapter Four

Warmth

Emma opened the door of her loft with her keys and pulled it open.

Sean was behind her still in suspense until Emma flicked on the lights by the doorway and stepped inside mindlessly tossing the keys on the side table and shut the door behind them.

She had a nice modern entryway section with modern touches white and light seafoam green walls, with many shelves of books, accented mirrors and some framed floral painting and photos littered the home. It was a nice space large space but it was through and through very Emma. She removed Sean's coat once they were both inside, "Thanks again. Take off your shoes make yourself at home."

As Emma stepped into the larger area of the loft, Sean put his hands comfortably in his pocket in trying to warm them up from being cold and taking off his shoes by the door without using his hands.

"So now that we're inside. Let me give you the grand tour."

They stepped in the room separated by a divider had a flat screen television big long inviting couches which were visible from the door, ahead from there was a dining room table and behind them was the kitchen with one of those dividers leading toward the back.

"I watch TV in here but so I have a high top dining room table back there. To the left is the kitchen and follow me the rear is the bathroom for when you decide to go you know where that is."

Sean couldn't help but sheepishly look inside the room across the way from the bathroom as Emma went on about how ecofriendly her bathroom is and what kind of tile she decided to use in the flooring and the bamboo she used for rugs before she noticed him. "What do you think?"

Sean jumped, and looked back at her eying the places he wasn't paying much attention to, "It's really nice in here. I love the green."

"I picked it out, I know I didn't want plain white walls. It's the space I never had."

Emma threw herself backwards onto the huge comfortable couch and impatiently tapped the seat next to her.

Sean politely maneuvered himself beside her stepping around the coffee table and sitting next to her. Emma looked up at him, "You need anything water, snacks, candy? Feel free to raid my fridge."

"I'm fine, that coffee you gave me back at The Dot was plenty enough."

"I'm certainly glad you enjoyed it." Emma grabbed the remote from the coffee table. "Want to watch something? I'll sit up like an adult I promise it's just really comfortable sitting upside-down."

"You can stay where you are."

"You should _join_ me." Wordlessly, Sean maneuvered himself to lay on Emma's large couch facing her not really caring how ridiculous it looked as they laid down face to face, "Would you like a throw blanket?"

"No thanks I'm actually starting to warm up now, How about we play a game? The questions game, it's a lot of fun."

Sean answered back quickly, "But I enjoyed chatting with you, reminiscing." Emma made a fake-sad face causing him to change his tune, "How do you play?"

"Exactly how it sounds." She answered, "Ask a stupid question, and answer a stupid question."

"Are they stupid? Do they _have_ to be stupid?"

"No of course not." Emma answered, "I just figured it would be a great way to catch-up. No questions are off-limits, all must be answered, they _can_ be loaded and no questions are really _truly_ stupid. Must be a _question_ but I don't know how someone could screw that up."

Sean chuckled, "I can start?"

"Of course you can start." Emma said placing the remote on the other side of the couch.

"I don't know how to ask this but I must ask why exactly did you invite me here?"

"What do you mean?" Emma asked feigning insult, "If you're not into this - - I swear there's no ulterior motives here."

"No I mean I just want to know if we're on the same page. If you feel the same."

"Sean, I'm _so_ into this if we're _even_ talking about the same thing."

"So why?" Sean asked.

"Alright, I invited you because first I wanted you to see my apartment, secondly I wanted to spend time with you, catch up hence the game and everything tonight, thirdly I'm used to spending lame nights home alone and we were still having fun, so why stop? Are you not having fun?"

"Fair enough." Sean replied, satisfied with his answers he got back, "and for the record I am having fun."

"I'm glad. Sean question for you is, what made me stand out to you?"

"Easy one. First time we ever met I was about to punch Jimmy Brooks' face in."

She managed to laugh as she held the pillow near her, "Normally I'd never do something like that."

"Bull, you never gave a rats ass what anybody thought of you. _Fearless_."

"Contrary to what you believe, when I was 12, at that dance, that night I all I wanted was to fit in." Emma confessed thoughtfully. It was the truth. She wanted a night out with her best friend who so happened to be unable to attend due to her strict parents. She was even surprised herself that her mom let her go after it only being a few weeks into her grounding over her almost kidnapping on the night of the big reunion, "Manny couldn't go I was by myself, on my own. I _barely_ knew you, you told me nothing in homeroom you straight up refused to if I remember correctly. I had never danced with a boy before."

"To be fair, I didn't want to be an open book."

Emma sat up and attempts her best impression of him, "I am Sean Cameron and I come from Wasega Beach . . . "

Sean hid his face with mild embarrassment shaking his head wildly his voice muffled, "I don't sound that way!"

When Sean lifted his head, Emma giggled rolling her eyes, "Oh so serious."

Sean said with a smile, "That was cute."

"No it wasn't."

"It was _**so**_ cute." Sean confirmed, "Same for you what was your first impression of me?"

"I thought you were lonely but hopeful enough to make friends and I thought that you were a major hottie." Emma playfully threw her pillow at him, "but you didn't hear that from me."

Sean laughed, removing the pillow from his face, shaking his head, "Throwing your pillow - It didn't stop me from hearing you say it."

"You want honesty?" Emma questioned as she crossed her arms at her chest still sitting up, "this is me being honest. Don't make fun."

"I won't." Sean jokingly remarked as he rolled his eyes, "it's your turn."

"When we broke up the first time, if we could even call it that - why did you agree to go to the wedding, when Manny invited you?"

"She made-I-I knew this would come up someday!" Sean exclaimed as he answered getting all flustered all of a sudden but quickly added, "She made it seem when she invited me that _you_ wanted me to be there so I didn't feel wrong accepting the invite. Evidently you had no idea. When you found out you were apparently pissed and I thought I was going to have to forget about you again only I never really did. I still held onto this hope that you'd forgive me that year. I can't say I'm surprised that Manny wanted this for you, she knows you better than you know yourself. I think sometimes she's protective and worried for you more than you worry and protect yourself sometimes."

"I always tell her you know, not to worry."

Sean smirked, "What are your defense mechanisms to avoid problems? How are they working out for you? Do you ever get alone?"

"I try to avoid getting close to people anymore. It's just that trusting people comes out to be hard enough. I let Spinner in because I thought that we could make it work. I had dated Kelly for almost a year, the more time we spent together though the more strain it had and then I got married a few months later."

"So? Just avoiding situations that could be good for you in hopes you might be missing out on something else?"

"I don't know though." Emma answered, "I don't know if I have them or maybe it's just all subconscious. I mean I liked them enough or maybe it was the idea of it. When they left however it ends in the end it didn't really matter to me like it never mattered at all. Emma paused, "But with you it's different; it matters. It does when you left and _if_ you leave again I know it will."

Sean looked at Emma and sat up from lying down, "Never. I know it sounds like a load of shit but I don't want to go away." Looking into her eyes now he takes her hands into his and offers a warm smile, "I have everything I could want right here in town. I'm home and besides, I don't think I could _ever_ lose you again."

Emma shakes her head skeptically at him holding his hands tight as he's saying he's not going to leave again, _of course he would say that_ she thought to herself, sometimes he made her so angry because he just knows what to say to make her fall for him. No matter how many years go by, no matter how many times she used to claim to hate him it only would reinforce the fact that she is still every bit as in love with him as she had always been. Nothing has changed at all.

"I don't know if I could handle losing you is the problem. That's why it's important to me that you _stay_. If you leave or plan to leave you may as well walk out tonight."

"No, I'm staying, _for good_. The only game I'm playing is for keeps, Emma."

" How do I know you're not just saying this to me today but down the line who's to say you-you'd just go again?"

"I'm just going to need you to trust me, I can't think of anything to say that will make you believe me, but you just have to." He was right about her being unable to trust when it comes to things that are good for her or things that would make her happy sometimes her stubbornness is what ruins good things for herself. She probably would never admit it but she has taken such positive strides in self-realization about various things in her life-like the hypocrisy she judged and ridiculed others about when it was her who had that unfortunate disposition. Sean continued, "I've done everything I've _ever_ wanted to do, some things I _never_ thought I'd do or ever want to do and things I did just for the experience but wish I never did at all but at the end of the day where ever you are is exactly where _I_ want to be. I needed the distance to wise me up I guess; I never wanted to hurt you you've got to believe me. I knew if I didn't go I'd be going nowhere and nowhere fast. I'd be likely living at Jay's sitting on his couch. Only difference is I have means to do things that I didn't have before."

Emma nodded and then looked up at him wide-eyed "I understand what you had to do for yourself. I just wish we didn't have to part ways, I just thought at that time we were going to be together forever. I thought we were going down like this line that I had always wanted for us and I just had thought then you did too. Even after, I struggled finding my place when you were gone because I'd pass your locker and I knew you weren't there but it always hurt those halls used to haunt me because one day you were there and the next you weren't."

"And for that I'm sorry. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do."

"I know that but it just sucks I just missed you so much." Emma answered, "Jay and I always talk about you, you know? He's the only person who understands how I feel about you. He keeps me in check though and I'm grateful for that."

"What do you guys say?" Sean smiles.

"Jay assures me that the second you come back to town you'd come and see me."

"Half true."

"Please, you were looking for Spinner … "

"To ask where you been possibly. Possibly get high."

Emma laughed, "So what you get high now?"

"Well it helps me calm down." Sean muttered matter-of-factually avoiding her gaze, "don't judge me."

"Who said I was? I've smoked before no big deal."

"This is a story for another time right?" Sean inquired laughing.

"I partake privately." Emma admits, "In the privacy of my home."

Sean grinning like the Cheshire cat, raising an eyebrow, "Oh really? This night has been very telling."

Emma beams in agreement, "We could have our double cheese nights, except perhaps we'd get the munchies and eat all the pizza."

"Yes we can rent a movie - a comedy or something neither of us have seen, sit on your couch and consume pizza until we fall asleep."

"When are you free?" Emma asked hopefully.

"Anytime. I love you and if that means spending more time with you, finding new things so be it." Sean says Emma moved from sitting up to resting her head on his comforting shoulder, "I was right that you felt the same."

"Sometimes I'm just really guarded. Since things happened I suppose." Emma said not moving from where she was closing her eyes and letting out a sigh, "or just maybe I talk too much and my real feelings show. I just feel like I can't lie to you though. Keeping feelings that strong is super hard and I don't know how I'd done it for this long."

Sean nodded, "I know the feeling myself. I _can_ understand why you keep walls up. I just thought you should know I keep walls up with everyone but you."

"Why me?"

"Because you always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. That's why I thought you were perfect, and I still do even now. Nothing you could do could make you imperfect to me." Sean took a second to collect that Emma was here, he was in her home she was lying on the couch next to him with her head on his shoulder, he's never felt closer to her before yet there are things he'd love to tell her or more or less would love to get off of his chest so he could reach full happiness. Things happened while he was gone and he can't tip toe around them on a count of true love, things that had nothing to do with his love or his feelings.

While he was in basic training fresh of the heels of him leaving Degrassi he met a guy named Shane who was a guy who had never been away from his family but only a few days. He was married to a girl named Beth and he had a daughter named Sarah. Sarah technically wasn't born yet but that's when asked to come to training so he was super concerned with being away from his wife. At the time, Sean was dealing with the loss of Emma after leaving for the armed services.

They initially bonded because their bunkers were close by and they tended to do things together because their last names correlate each other in the alphabet in terms of Cameron and Calson. He hadn't truly thought of the good times with Shane since the last time he saw him mostly because he tried to block all of it out. Something tragic happened to him and he happened to witness. He had been torn up about but he simply refused to acknowledge it because if he were to remember it would hurt all over again. He was his best friend and now he's gone. In retrospect, Sean never thought he had much of a selection of best friends. Before Shane there was Craig, and sure he and Jay were friends but never best friends.

Shane was a few years older than Sean. He took a few stabs at college but mostly quit due to a lack of motivation and moved back home in Ajax and decided to start a family and signed up to serve but didn't expect the time frame to be so close together. He was braver than Sean and served as a sort of mentor to Sean. When it came to thinking positively instead of being down because in his words, _"it's always easy to kick someone when they're already down"_. They had this mutual respect for one another and not to mention all the guys liked Shane it wasn't just Sean he was an inherently good guy. Shane was the person that really was close with Sean when he was far away from his friends and loved ones and Sean helped with his separation from his girlfriend and unborn baby. He wished that he had got to see him through but unfortunately there was an awful accident.

Sean's mind returned to the present and where he was and he wouldn't trade that for anything but they both couldn't deny that it was getting late. Even though they had both tried to stay brave and tough out the night visibly they both were tiring out. Emma's eyes closed once more followed by a yawn as she asked him, "Can you just stay here? Tonight you could right?"

"If I stay," Sean paused and sighed audibly before he closed his eyes which he struggled to keep open but there was one thing he wanted to do before he sailed off to sleep which he felt like he could do at any moment. Seconds later he blinked his eyes open and looked to Emma who had just reopened her eyes, "If I stay I'd probably want to kiss you."

The words escaped her lips without a single thought, "I wouldn't be totally opposed. Take it however you want to take it."

Sean was quiet they just watched each other for the next move, Emma snuggled closer to Sean so that her body was within in the curve of his, they were silent just looking at one another wishing one would take the initiative. He whispered hazily, "I don't want to stop seeing you now or _ever_." Within seconds he did it, Sean crashed his lips into hers with the likeness of a moving car. Emma was drowning in the warmth of his strong arms bound tightly around her body as he kissed her.

He threw her head first without harm on the pillow they had been half halfheartedly tossing between themselves for the past few hours with the force that she took in gladly and willingly, his hands caressed her head from below as he gave into everything he had held back in their time apart. It was soft and slow like always but with so much feeling and infinite passion. Minutes would've come and gone and they'd still be in no hurry to be coming up for air giving anything to perpetually exist in that moment, within that kiss for all eternity for the rest of their lives - forever. As they continued kissing Emma wrapped her arms around him pulling him even closer to her for warmth, for the closeness to be enhanced her teeth lightly bit his bottom lip that beamed with delight when she finally released it. Sean looked into her eyes as she reopened her eyes, she smiled at him and he smiled back, Sean placed his hands upon her cheek, Emma placed her hand on top of his hand, with all the things she could have said she just whispered, "That was _amazing_."

As the pair lay happily holding one another close they suddenly were interrupted by a knock at the door. "I'll be there in a second." Emma called as Sean moved aside to let her by to answer the door. He sat on the couch and waited for her turning around to see Emma and whoever the assumed guest was.

"I wonder who that could be?" Emma questioned him but he was at a loss for an answer. She was somewhat startled she hadn't been expecting anyone. She quickly sprung up from the couch they had laid on. She shrugged as she walked toward the door.

Emma heard a loud shrill squeaking scream with excitement and a familiar face, "EMMA!" the voice shrieked before adding "Are you surprised to see me?"


	5. Surprise!

Chapter Five

Surprise!

Manny Santos was standing in the doorway beaming excitedly to see her best friend. She had a takeaway Starbucks cup in her hands. Since Manny has become somewhat of a star or since her financial situation is particularly high she was pretty well dressed for just going to visit a friend, her hair was down long and wavy. She had probably just come from a shoot or just wrapped up something. Since moving out to the land of milk and honey it seemed to do her good looks wise but she's still looking for that big break to catapult her to higher horizons.

"Of course. Come here." Emma flung her arms around her best friend. They hadn't seen each other in a while so it was definitely a sight for sore eyes, "I had no idea you were coming home."

Manny removed her hound's-tooth coat revealing a modest looking black body hugging sweater-dress and dark wash skinny jeans she politely hung it on the hook by the door, "Thought I'd come by a few days early and surprise my best friend in the world. What's been new?"

"I've just missed you so much." Emma was at a loss for words, she hadn't expected a surprise visit assuming her friend was too busy to fly home for a few weeks before the holidays, "could I make you some tea? I know you like that when you're jet lagged"

"I already grabbed some." Manny confirmed lifting her takeaway cup filled with tea. With her eyes she took silent notice to the man sitting at the couch and looked at Emma mouthing, 'Sean?' Emma quickly dismissed her with her expression with a nod as Manny continued to talk about what has gone on in the world of acting, "Filming just wrapped on the pilot about the drug-addicted, prostitute high school cheerleader. I'm off until January so I get to spend the holidays home."

Emma laughed shaking her head, "Why do you _always_ get those sorts of roles?"

Emma did like hearing about Manny's glamorous life most likely because her life is far from it and if she is close to someone living this dream it's deemed to be good enough for her. It still doesn't change that she misses her, Manny had a full-life here once but she really lives the life she always wanted far away.

"Well you know how first film with Jason Mews and Kevin Smith showed I was into cheer-leading being typecast ever since but hey the money is still good so I'm not exactly complaining. The only thing is I want something consistent. I keep getting these _Lifetime_ TV movies about these sad stories about teens this is like the first _network_ pilot that I've been called back to. I really hope I get it. I guess I can still pass as under twenty."

"I hope you get the role too. It'd be consistent and not _one_ movie."

"I take what I get though, it's this or nothing, whatever it takes. Exposure is good. If I got little girls picking up the latest copy of _J-14_ because my picture is on it and parents don't think I'm some Lindsay Lohan fodder I'm good in my books. I keep a pristine reputation in my work I take that stuff serious." Manny hesitated before continuing, "its hard work but enough about work, what's _Cameron _doing back in town?"

Sean heard his name being mentioned and naturally got up from the couch and wandered over to where Emma and Manny are. She raised an eyebrow. Manny knew Sean was always off-limits but it didn't exactly stop her from noticeably ogling the attractive guy she had known for a long time. To her he was highly too good to be true and highly unreliable which she finds most guys their age to be. He politely waved to his old friend, "Come here you," Manny said before she pulled him into a hug looking at Emma with a questioning worrying expression to Emma before Sean pulled away and Manny wiped the expression off her face and traded it for a more innocent unassuming look.

Emma didn't say anything but she knew she was going to hear an earful of Manny when they were alone. Her friend knows she hadn't exactly been physically there for Emma since moving quasi-permanently to LA but that doesn't mean she worries any less. They talk constantly by phone except this last trip she took there she was so busy they hadn't any time to talk. Emma was understanding about her not having the time to talk because she really didn't want to answer to anyone about her choices that she frankly was ashamed of namely Manny because she always thinks she knows what's best because of her success and maybe because she knows a thing or two about guys and dealing with emotional things. At least she was thankful that Manny would be cordial to Sean even though it's against her better judgment to trust him like she does." Come on now, you really don't think I'm not going to ask you guys that question? Giant elephant in the room am I right?" Manny got comfortable sitting on the couch across from Sean, "Why should I even complain about this though a jobs, a jobs, a job and besides shouldn't I be so far in my element anyway? I'm still making more than most of the sorry asses we graduated with that thought they were better than me."

Emma laughed and looked at Sean, "Sean was looking for Spinner while I was closing up at The Dot earlier and we've chatted ever since."

"Chatting, dear?" She questioned Emma seemingly with contempt looking to the couch, "Is that what _we're_ calling it now? It's almost four. Where's Spin been anyway?" Emma felt flustered as Manny called her bluff sometimes it's like they never really missed out on anything because Manny has esp when it comes to her best friend.

Emma shrugged brushing off Manny's clear disbelief and disconnection to Sean. She took back her initial thoughts of how tonight was going to be, with her disapproving and loaded comments and shooting daggers at Sean without his knowledge. She was only hoping that Sean was failing to notice. Ever since the first time Sean left Degrassi for Wasega, Manny has had little to no hope in a relationship between the star-crossed lovers who can't ever seem to catch a break. She'd always find some remark that would get under Emma's skin, "I haven't hard anything but then again why would he contact me no less?"

"Almost four years of catch up that sounds about right." Sean added about Emma and Sean that evening attempting to abolish himself of any wrongdoing Emma thought it was just adorable that he's really not seeing what is really going on. Sean expected Manny to be hostile, she was before that and it looked like her assumptions turned out to be correct.

Emma answered Manny kind of leaving Sean on the hook, "You know what I told you, Manny. We split up, signed the papers and all and I haven't seen him since."

Manny audibly sighed, "When I call his phone it goes straight to voice-mail. I don't know if he even has his phone or where he's living."

"I think he skipped town," Emma offered, "I just don't have a clue where he would go."

"I don't think he'd do that though." Manny disagreed, "You know as well as I do that he's always been a homebody and never intended on leaving town. Should we file a missing person?"

The idea of facing the fact of the very real problem at hand was difficult for Emma to deal with. No one knows where Spinner is, people _do_ care about him even she has been worried in these recent months but the idea of filing a report on him makes the hairs on her neck stand up. What if someone hurt him? Despite them no longer being married to one another it didn't mean she hated him or would wish horrible things on him. Genuinely she just wants him to be okay but the idea of talking about investigations, missing persons forces her to face this all too gruesome reality that maybe he has been in some sort of danger for the past few months that someone ought to investigate.

Emma frantically changes the subject, "Manny are you staying here tonight or for your visit with me or at Jay's?"

Manny shrugged and changed her attention to the new subject which wasn't something even she wanted to talk about. A look of malcontent waved over her she looked at Sean and then to Emma, "About that, Jay told me it's a bit of a full house over his place — so it looks like we'll be roomies again."

"Sorry." Sean interjected the conversation and apologized in advance, bringing up to Manny just what she had wondered since she walked in completely switching gears from the Spinner conversation.

"I hope it's not a problem Emma. You're okay with this _right_?" Manny made a face at Emma silently questioning her about what exactly is the status of Sean that Sean could not see from where he was standing.

Emma just nodded to Manny without hesitation. "Of course I am."

Emma shook her head and turned her attention to Sean, which was just what Manny wasn't hoping for in the least. The awkward swirling around the room was a bit too much for her to handle. It was one thing for Manny to be hostile toward Sean but for her to be a raging bitch about it tonight was another thing. She decided if she was going to tear into him she was only going to do it while Emma was present, "Excuse me guys, I have to go use the washroom."

She looked back and offered Sean a sympathetic smile before turning her back and turning the corner to the bathroom she left Manny and Sean alone together. When she was sure Emma was no longer in earshot she turned to Sean, "So what are your intentions, Mr. Cameron? You _really_ didn't think I would let this go by unnoticed?"

Sean furrowed his brow, "It's nice to see you too, Manny."

"Nice to see you, Sean." Manny remarked less than enthusiastically sipping her tea.

"You never answered my question." Manny reminded as pushy as ever, "What are your intentions with Emma? Are you going to I don't know make her fall in love with you and then run away? Or-better yet save her life from certain danger and then leave her behind too while she leaves with the trauma - -"

As Emma was finishing up in there, she couldn't help but hear Manny getting a little louder and she quickly realized that Manny was going to tear into Sean regardless. Seconds later Emma emerged from the bathroom and her fears confirmed Manny really laying into Sean about their past which in all honesty none of her business, "MANNY!" Emma shrieked at her friend, "you're so out of line. We were having a really nice night until you- I don't even know what you said."

Manny stood up looking fed up crossing her arms and pursing her lips before speaking, "Tell me, Emma is it fair that I have pick up the pieces? We're adults now come on. I finally am getting you repaired and this is what's going to happen, trust me Emma it's for the best."

"I'm a big girl." Emma felt gutted and embarrassed. She shook her head, she had never felt more embarrassed before about her best friend not having her back, "I can take care of myself and now I want you to apologize to Sean and we drop this? Not tonight."

"Em, it's fine. I'm fine. Hell knows I knew this was coming." Sean shrugged uncomfortably with his hands in his pockets sheepishly. He got off the couch.

Manny ignored Sean and continued on her fueled tirade still spewing her angry venomous words, "Of course you're going to say that because _he's_ here."

"Look, Manny if you're living with me you have to respect my choices and, " Emma looked at Sean and offered him a smile, "I choose to keep regular contact with him."

Manny shook her head, "I don't know. I just –"

"Worry?" Emma asked, "you don't need to. You've got your own stuff to deal with. I just thought we were all past this."

Sean awkwardly staring at his hands, wishing Manny would let it go as he feels guilty enough, he looked at Manny, "You think I wanted to hurt her right?"

Manny said nothing. In all her years of knowing him she never lashed out on him and he never really tore into her, she didn't know him the way Emma knew him or what has her under his spell but for Manny to boldly accuse Sean of being cruel because she could had another thing coming from Sean. She just listened already feeling foolish for even trying to deter them from what they always wanted for themselves, true joy, true happiness, true love. She had once believed in it too but lost sight of it when Sean pulled his disappearing acts and she had to be there when she would be heartbroken.

"I wouldn't dream of it." Sean finished, his voice cracking, "I sort of thought that you'd understand being that you've been hurt before. We're human. We make mistakes, I feel like I make them more than others. Your hurt is nothing compared to mine. If you would've seen the look in her eyes when she drove away from me the first time when I stayed with my parents." Sean paused, "I did it for me, if I would've stayed in town I would've had to deal with Ellie and she was going through her own set of things that were worse than mine. You blamed it all on me leaving why things happened to her. Manny everyone has choices," Sean looked up at Manny dead in the eye, "understand that, when you think about me at that point of my life. Don't blame _me_ who at the time because I was a sixteen-year-old kid who had just saw something terrifying on your whole entire basis of me. I wouldn't _dare_ wish something like that on my worst enemy! It was hard it was so hard and it wasn't easy to get through either. It hurt. That eye contact for that minute kept ringing in my mind, what did it mean? Did it mean what I wanted to mean? Would she be there when I returned? I knew someday I would—"

"You think I don't know hard, Sean? Long distance relationships, have you heard of one? When the one you love is having a drug problem, a really bad drug problem on an expensive drug, on a drug you hear about celebrities doing all the time and the vicious cycle they go through all the while that you knew nothing about while they were gone. Then they come back, and when they come back they played this charade that everything was okay and that you're thinking you've never been closer until you realize you had no idea the monster you've been dating for months while you both were apart. Then you'd have this stupid idea that if you did it with them it'd make things easier."

There was a pause. "And sometimes, what you want isn't what you need and it doesn't work despite everything."

"The very reason I came back tonight was, he and I saw each other at this trendy sushi restaurant and I recognized him from across the room. He and I had dinner he wasn't high. We went out and talked for a few hours and then almost hooked up but I stopped myself. It's why I came home to avoid something like that. The problem is I still love him but I've been with Jay for almost five years and I don't think we ever got closure which makes it really, really hard - you know to say goodbye?"

"Craig?" Emma asked in a whisper.

Sean understood immediately not hearing Emma, "It makes your decision easy though it sticks out to you like a sore thumb either you live happily with someone you love or you're miserable at best with your second best." Manny didn't say anything and Sean relented adding, "but know which one is the right decision. I mean who makes you the happiest? Who knows you more? Who has never hurt you? Who has hurt you carelessly than carefully? When you are able to answer these you're ready to choose."

"Sounds a lot easier than it looks, Sean. Believe me. It's not like I'm even in my relationship because I never see them."

Sean comforted, "Love never is what you call easy. It takes courage to step out and say what's on your mind."

"The only thing I suppose is that I can't fully trust _anyone_ especially _Craig_. Even though who is to say Jay cheats?"

"He wouldn't dream of it Manny." Emma said shaking her head, "I know he loves you. You guys have been together for a long time."

"What's wrong with _me_ then? How do I not see stuff like this happen?" Manny launched herself back onto the couch, "I just feel like a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad person all the time. It's my nature to nurture people and when people flip the tables on me I have nothing to say."

"You aren't anything of that, it's been a long day." Emma said, "why don't you take my bed, go to sleep and we'll all chat up in the morning or when you wake up."

Manny looked at Emma, smiled coolly and nodded, "I didn't expect you to be awake, I was going to crash on the couch like usual - - I'm sorry I was so cruel. You're right."

She got up off the couch and dragged her carry on luggage back to the back bedroom saying goodnight to both Sean and Emma and she laid down wordlessly on the couch. Sean joined her. He couldn't help but feel awkward about Manny and her sudden entrance, her comments and her departure all in one evening. Emma looked up at Sean whispering, "That was weird even for Manny."

"Maybe all isn't perfect." Sean replied, "We always assume her and Jay have this great, perfect and happy relationship, of course to him it is but maybe not to _her_."

"They do it's just, Craig likes to re-enter her life at the most annoying times. Right when things are going good or whatever."

"Sounds familiar." Sean commented, looking at her, "Like you and I?"

Emma paused, before shaking her head, "No not like that. I want you around. She didn't want him around."

"Why'd you hesitate?" Sean asked.

"It's just _not_ like that," Emma answered vehemently. It wasn't like Sean ruined her reputation. It wasn't like Sean had another girlfriend and she hooked up with him and then got pregnant and then had to deal with the fall out alone while the guy tried to fight back for his ex that he lost. The only thing she somewhat regrets is letting her feelings for Sean get in the way of an otherwise healthy relationship with Peter but even Peter couldn't compete with Sean who wasn't around when she needed him at that time.

"Not to you but to someone else, possibly? To Manny who seems to actually look out for you? And what about Peter o-or Spinner?"

Emma struggled to answer the question, confused, "What are you talking about?" Where was the Sean who came here earlier speaking an entirely different tune?

"Ca you answer me that, Emma?" Emma shook her head knowing that the relationship with her and Sean was always different and yes it was always complicated but he was the exception to a lot of dating formalities that don't typically happen. It's just she loses all her sense with him and she can't pin point a lot of it. Sean added, "I just don't want to be that guy you're going to blame if in the doesn't work out for you or for us it's not fair to hold me in emotional ransom. I don't want you to blame me if you're hurt because we dove in headfirst. I want to make sure all your issues get sorted out. I love you, but all the love in the world can't fix what you think about things, am I just another distraction until the one or who you perceive is the one?"

"Sean, I think you are the one." Emma answered decidedly one hundred percent there was no more surprises, nobody else and that was the truth. Sean Cameron is was and will always be the man of her dreams, and now she needs to make him know that, "and I know you think that's what I think too or else you wouldn't be here and besides Craig and Manny's relationship was completely 100% different from ours."

"How so? We all met young, we went through a lot of shit then, broke up a bunch of times, got back together in a similar fashion who says we're so different?"

Emma tried to compare them both but it was pretty obvious that Sean had been right in his questions they aren't so different and he already outlined why. She wasn't going down without a fight though because at the end of the day she knows the circumstances of both Craig and Manny are different from the circumstances in which she and Sean got together. "Because I'm not her, you're not him – we didn't have sex when we were fourteen, I never cheated with you on Ellie ring any bells to you?"

"Emma, Manny learned everything she knows about relationships on the tragedy of her first real relationship and she'll never let go of that. She'll date a bunch of guys whether she wants 'em or not to fill the void, to keep her company. Jay simply tolerates it, or is just blind to the issues. I just wanted to know if there was more to us than just that. So stop working yourself up. You're _over thinking _it."

Emma didn't know what to say, Sean was simply getting answers out of her. He wanted her to be less coy and more candid and she bought it hook line and sinker. She shook her head and closed her eyes exasperated, she reopened her eyes inching toward him pointing her finger at him, and "I _hate_ you."

"No you don't." Sean smiled.

"How? How do you operate me like this? You suck." Emma smirked back, "ugh but I hate it."

"No you don't, and I don't even try that's the thing. This is 2013?"

"I thought that conversation was over." Emma said shaking her head, "the point is I know Craig is a flip flopper he always has been. Unreliable when it comes to relationships. He'll date Ashley for about two or two and a half years, then get a taste for Manny again and drop her a line and ask about for her and then he might go for Ellie but be totally up to kiss her up too and it's not worth it. He's a major player. If Manny got with him again she'd be deluding herself to that girl he wants that high school ditz everyone wants her to be, but I know she's better than that and she deserves better than that but at the same time I know she doesn't love Jay like she loves Craig. Hell I love Jay more than she does and it's not even romantic so I'm using this lightly - it's like family love and I never thought that for me. Her first impression of Jay was god-awful. She used to call him a bottom feeder and then suddenly she's in love! It just doesn't make sense."

"I know you weren't fond of him yourself now look at you." Sean sighed, "but . . . maybe we can both agree that there's the hope that Craig's grown since then. I'm sure we don't want to be judged by our past."

"Dating to feed loneliness, doubtful. That's just how he operates, Cameron."

"I don't trust him. Plus even if I could I haven't seen him in years. Only Manny has and her entire perception of him is skewed just like mine is for you."

"All I know is that we've talked for almost four hours." Sean smiled massaging her arm as she lie on her side facing him, "she's a big girl she can take care of herself. She can't do this to you, you're grown too."

"I just hate dealing with her shit if I don't listen to her. It's just; she takes it personally like I _wanted_ to piss her off. I swear we're equal to sisters."

"She knows you can't fight fate sometimes. Something will come to her maybe not today or tomorrow that will lead her the right way." Sean said yawning facing her lying beside her on the couch that was big enough for them both to share.

"Fate huh?" Emma asked playfully nudging him, "so we're going to be okay right?"

Sean nodded, "Of course, Em."

"If I close my eyes now would you be upset?" Emma asked, half asleep.

"No because I might just myself." Sean answered closing his eyes in the process leaning in a touch closer to kiss her forehead.

Within a moment the pair fell asleep side-by-side not really thinking about how it'd look to Manny when she awakens or how they'll feel tomorrow when they wake up. All that really mattered was that in that moment they were as one and everything they ever wanted was in their hands.


	6. Brave Girl

Chapter Six

Brave Girl

Morning came sooner than expected and Manny was already up and adam. Emma fluttered open her eyes and all she saw was the white leather in front of her, she felt the warmth of Sean's arms around her, holding her hands dead asleep as if it had been something natural. She didn't move she didn't dare to wake him she just smiled to herself silently. The silence didn't last in the kitchen she heard movement. Manny was making coffee and the smell permeated throughout the room, Manny lit up a cigarette which is an translatable code which means she knows Emma is awake and wondering why isn't she yelling at her for lighting one up in her apartment but she was paralyzed and too drunk on love to even care. Manny quietly brought her cup of coffee in Emma's favorite night shirt and slippers in her Ryan's Planet mug clearly knowing she was getting to Emma.

Emma kept her eyes closed appearing to sleep but clearly she was agitated. Manny turned on the TV and annoyingly turned up the volume and kept changing channels until she got a satisfying reaction out of Emma and found something on TV she could watch. Manny inhales her cigarette once she put her mug on the table without a coaster to cool. One of the many things that drive Emma mad is when Manny doesn't use a coaster on her white wood tables. Everyone else seems to follow the unarticulated command.

Manny when she wants to be can be quite persuasive when she wants her way, and can be quite careless when it comes to how she behaves, she ashes her cigarette on the ash tray and looks at Emma again.

The truth of the matter is that Manny feels terrible most notibly about the things she said to them last night. Her cruel behavior toward Sean, at Emma's house no less and she was a _guest_. She rarely thinks before she acts, she's in the moment and almost never does she rely on logic. Now she's worried that she won't be heard out. She smiles genuinely at Emma and Sean snuggling on the couch and as much as she would hate to wake them she would _still_ want to wake them up just so the entire jig would be up. It's not that she hates Sean but Emma has been through enough already in the realm of romance. The brunette plays the mother hen always looking over her unlucky in love best friend. It's no cakewalk by any stretch of the imagination. She knows that there's really one guy that would make Emma the happiest girl in the world and Manny can only pray he's sincere. Planning to stick around for the long haul, she's testing him. Absentmindedly, sifting through the cable she finally found an episode of _Westdrive_ she was keen on. Her dream job. She quietly beamed to herself in celebration doing a small victory dance with her cigarette in hand, she ashed it and went back to enjoying it along with the episode and took another drag to her lips. The television was loud causing there to be movement almost instantaneous.

Even so, Manny's a straight shooter. She gets what she wants, she's a pusher. Right on cue, Emma groaned while opened her eyes permanently and shot her eyes at Manny exchanged looks and this was much to Manny's delight and to Emma's chargrin. From Manny to Sean who they realize was still fast asleep, "Could you turn that down? It's what 6:30?"

"No, sweetie it's like 10." Manny whispered obviously lying turning down the sound on the remote, Emma stuffed her hands in her pocket of her cardigan from the night before looking for her phone to check, "Okay okay, it is 6:30 but I had trouble sleeping so here I am on the couch."

"Nothing gets by you. You suck." Emma beamed with malcontent.

"You can be such a priss when you're tired. How could _you_ especially you sleep at a time like this?"

"So now I guess _I_ have trouble sleeping correct?" Emma ignored the latter and questioned Manny irratated by the wake up call trying hard not to wake Sean, "right?"

Manny crinkled her nose. She won. After a pause she spoke, "No . . yes I sort of wanted to apologize about last night. Residual guilt." She leaned against the couch and sheepishly took another drag before exhaling, "you see, when I'm jetlagged and sleep deprived I can be sort of _nasty_."

Emma shot back whispering, "We all know you meant everything you said. You know how I feel about him."

After that she gingerly made movements in an effort to let Sean sleep longer. He turned again facing the couch and groaned in his sleep but then resumed back to sleep. Asleep and at peace Sean according to Emma looked so cute. Decisiding it's best to move, the pair of girls slowly and quietly got up from the couch in a swoop concluding with Emma Bogarting Manny's cigarette moving to the kitchen and motioning Manny to come with her. The two took a seat at the bar facing the kitchen, "I need this more than you do right now."

"Does the move insinuate that I'm going to hear all about the evening?" Manny asked from behind the bar raising an eyebrow, "Coffee?

"Please." Emma answered ignoring that high brow loaded question yawning "And to answer your question honestly exactly what _you_ did, we fell asleep. _Which_ I'd be doing if you didn't wake up at the asscrack of dawn."

Amused Manny stated, "You're avoiding the question."

"Just do me one favorite alright? Stop insinuating something I don't even have any idea what's going on. We went to sleep."

"_That_ all?" Manny asked in cough-sounding voice showing her disagreement, "I really am sorry about last night."

"Manny . . ." Emma softened, "don't worry about it. I don't care you're going to think what you want so it doesn't even matter."

"Which is why I tried _really_ hard to wake you up to _apologize. See_ I'm not so terrible after-all."

Emma wasn't going to disagree she really had no basis to continue her stand-off and topped it off by placing the cigarette to her lips and wordlessly agreed with Manny, the predictable blonde wasn't terrible at changing the subject and expanding on the ever the same story with her favorite boy, "Call me corny or hopeless or whatever . . . but whenever I'm with him it's like I walk on air and time just doesn't exist, I don't think I literally shut down doubt and negativity and open myself and just _feel_. It's beautiful but dangerous so it's alluring."

"Not to mention dangerous and a trap."

"Shut up," Emma shot back in denial she was not upset just embarrassed and it showed, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"And denial is not just a river in Egypt. But let's just snap back to reality for a minute." Manny reminded her friend while stirring Emma up a cup of steaming black coffee with sugar and cream, "Your MO is you. _Remember_? Doing you. We don't want you to slip back into anything _bad_ you've been doing great since well . . . you know." Again were the reminders that sort of haunt Emma and as much as Manny knows this is the last thing her friend would like to hear on a good day following the perfect night that just passed. Manny was right, a lot more than she gets credit for. Manny's been around the block no real disagreement there. She's had her strings of failed romances and neither of the girls had played the the angel or the villain in relationships. People are people, "Don't kill the messenger." Emma took the coffee from her friend with downcast eyes.

Emma kind of fell off after the end of the marriage stopped taking care of herself and went trough depression stopped bathing and getting out of bed, bogged down on sleeping pills and wine utterly miserable until Jay reached out to her and forced her to man up and start caring more. Jay had to shake her back to reality. Started her going out places spending time with her new buddy Jay and stuff. Jay was the person who plucked her out of the bad situation. The problem was with Emma was when she expressed her concerns in her marriage to Spinner and in result she found a phone number in his pockets when it was him who sort of didn't like when she went out. He always on the defense that she had been cheating but then it was discovered it was he who was unfaithful. Instead of Emma being unkind, sabotaging his life she just quietly, politely and strongly asked if they could just split up and put it all behind them, start over and more importantly divorce.

After Spinner moved out and got a place of his own Emma started going out with Jay living this lifestyle of parties, phone numbers, dates going nowhere and random seedy motels she had a few blind dates but most of them were non-committal, fun and completely non-serious duds. For Emma that was okay for the time that sort of thing was appropriate. She never really had anything strings free so it was refreshing that there wasn't emotional tethers bounding her to any of her non romantic conquests. When it was over it was over and nothing hurt. Jay remained with Manny but their relationship was long distance but Jay played protective gentleman and pretended to be her boyfriend if any guys got touchy on her. Emma always wanted more but never had so much as fleeting attraction for the guys she'd meet out. She has sort of old fashioned views and these guys were way beyond her norms. She wanted more. Jay would be there more or less for moral support. For a young single girl Jay just expected her to enjoy that kind of awhile she stopped going places aside from out with Jay and started focusing on the business. She lost track of people. Manny started to worry though when she hadn't heard from Emma in awhile so she came back.

"Manny, the whole reason I got into this mess was because I was alone."

Following the revelation, Manny paused feeling a tinge of guilt. She knows she hadn't been around for the better part of the past few years, it wasn't like Manny to walk in and start pointing fingers but in the time after high school it's become more and more evident that things are rarely going to be the way they used to be so it's for the best that they start accepting instead of falling backward into old habits but Emma is the one fighting tooth in nail for the past fearlessly. In Manny's absence she hadn't bothered to observe that people change for better or for worse and Emma in her heart of heart believes his change is positive and it's Manny who is struggling to accept. Either way, in their own way the collective stubborn is enough to make it clear, "wait are we talking about Spin?"

"No one really had a gun to my head."

Manny scoffed with sensitivity to the loaded subject, "Are you really going to make a gun joke?"

Emma paused not even thinking about the significance of the remark, "I knew what I was doing but I did it for the wrong reasons, marrying for the wrong reasons. I saw you know you and Jay and the fairytale and I wanted that too."

"Sweetie . . "

Emma sort of dismissed the sympathy from her friend, "The only person to blame is myself."

Manny silently understood, and calmly offered a reply, "Look I'm just looking out for you my best friend I didn't want you to start feeling sorry. Things don't work out there's no use crying over spilled milk."

"So you aren't mad?"

Emma shook her head sipping on coffee afterall the heart to heart made her feel much better about everything from Sean to Manny. Emma coughed from the smoke and in repulse she gave it back to Manny, "How do you smoke these things? They're vile!"

"Not going to tell me why you puffed for the last five minutes."

"Bitch." Emma jokes, it was just something they tended to do when they got together. Nobody on the planet knows more about them than they do. Not even a boyfriend not even their mothers.

"Skank." right on cue manny girls erupted into laughter but quickly quiet down for the sake of slumbering Sean.

"So Manny what are your plans looking like today?"

"Open as your legs, my dear."

"Manny!" Emma hushed in exclamation.

"You surely think I'm blind."

Emma shook her head snickering, "I'll say it now and I will say it again I did nothing last night."

"Soon." manny sipped her coffee pinky out.

As Emma turned attention to the television. Here Manny goes trying to deprecate herself. She knows exactly what she's doing but she's selfless enough to know she was killing multiple birds with one stone, "Why are you watching that rerun?"

"I've got wo reasons, sleeping beauty."

"Enlighten me"

"Well of course to wake you up dear."

"Ah there's the rub." Emma teased.

" . . To apologize, not done!" Manny whined irratatingly, "anyway why do you have plans?"

Emma shook her head, "I was hoping you'd want to go shopping ro do some girl stuff you know this morning while we're up."

"Retail therapy sounds good."

Emma took out her purse, and saw her money and cards right where she needs them, "I've been wantng to shop but it's not like I could ask Jay because he just begs me to go to the food court so he can eat his weight in nachos."

"Ew!" Manny screeched repulsed, "and then he goes to one of those other vendors and gets ketchup and honey mustard from Chic-fl-a and puts them in the taco salad -"

"And then he mixes em all together and it makes an ugly sound."

"YES!" Manny jeered happily before forgetting Sean was here, she matter of factually quieted down and smirked, "you know we should bolt down now." Emma thought fast and sort of managed to quikly pen a note to Sean letting him know the dealing of the day. Manny ran into Emma's bedroom in a mad dash to get ready for the day ahead. Not bothering to shower she threw her sunglasses upon her face and threw on a black baseball cap and and slipped into clothes she didn't bother to check for matching it's not like anyone would even recognize her and before long the girls were gone and out the door locking Sean securely inside careful not to make a peep.


	7. Little Blue Box

Author Note: I just was kind of unsure where to fit this little headcanon of mine in I had written it to happen early on but ah what they hey I'm still working out the kinks in the chapters that were supposed to come before this one and I thought later it'd be silly so fine. . I wasn't sure if I wanted to prologue this chapter or prolong it until later. I thought this would be a nice spot for it. So the next chapter happens in the meantime while this is going on and before it. Don't worry I'm good at explaining why. Anyway this is a much shorter chapter than the usual but I thought it'd be a little tease until the next chapter. Alright so I'm done talking.

Chapter Seven

Little Blue Box

Emma Nelson wearing her purple sweatpants jogged from uptown to the childhood home she used to share with her mother, step-father and brother. When she moved out for Smithdale, Snake's godson, Connor moved into her empty basement bedroom all her things were sort of boxed up and stored in the attic for safe keeping. She decided for old time sake she wanted to see if any of it was still where her parents said they would be. Manny decided to bite the bullet and spend some of her afternoon with Jay before the girls agreed to get ready at four or so for the night. You see, Emma and Manny decided it'd be fun together to go out. So all four of them are going to double up but to a club.

She let herself in and noticed her brother sitting up playing video games. She waved to him but he was likely not paying attention. Emma was fooled. The ever-precocious ten year old was wearing a backwards Little League baseball cap and a matching top, he heard the door shut behind her and he turned around offering a smile, "Hey sis."

"Jack is mom or dad home?" Emma asked warmly.

"They're cooking in the kitchen." Jack beamed, "it's a good thing because I'm starving and I've been gaming all day."

"Thanks, I'll be in a sec, save me a game?"

"Wait he called out." He jumped to Emma and graced her with a big bear hug, "Count on it," Emma beamed. Her and Jack weren't what they call the typical brother and sister dynamic, Emma has always been more or less motherly to the boy she helped raise him their almost 12 year gap kind of either meant she would be either non existent for all or part of his life or she'd have a hand at being there for most of his childhood and moved out by the time he started entering his teens which is precicely what happened with them. Emma always visited Jack and admired him. The fair-haired curly top resembles his father more than anything but she sees a few features in her that Jack shares. The freckle-faced boy grinned and resumed his game while Emma opened the small doors that led to the kitchen stepping inside.

"Emma honey, great to see you," Spike said as if she was expecting the door to open or she had heard her come in the house, "We're getting ready to have lunch."

Emma and her her mother exchanged a friendly kiss on each of their cheeks. Snake with food filled hands thought a hug was too much and gave her a kiss atop her head. Emma wasn't going to bring up the events of the night before at least not yet. She doesn't want to get ahead of anything and be let down or get everyone all up and arms. It's not that the Simpson-Nelson parents respectively hate Sean they just understand he isn't all that reliable in the trials of love and his temper worries them but they know he has likely a changed man and will often much to Emma's chargrin talk about Sean so highly and at once still know he's not a perfect person.

Emma shook her head and sympathetically declined, "I can't, I have some plans tonight I have to get ready for."

Emma's eating disorder days are behind her, but no matter how many years she goes without a single binge or purge she is still at a threat. At this rate it had been so long since her relapse that no one questions her if she said she ate. Emma had always been slender but since growing up, developing and such she has at least gained a comfortable twenty pounds but she feels more and more confident and comfortable with. As for plans Manny and Emma have been sort of planning this event for Jay, Manny. herself and Sean.

"I kind of have a silly question, you wouldn't happen to know where that blue box had disappeared to. The stuff from the old room is in the attic right?"

Snake nodded certainly, "You finally making your new home a permanent one?"

"Better late than never." Emma stated plainly and proudly, as Snake led her to the attic door and then helped her open it up from above with a strong metal latch. Their attic had some sort of mechanism that had a ladder that folds out that you could step upon to get up into the attic, from the hole in the ceiling.

They rarely used the attic mostly for storage and holidays such as Christmas, the majority of the stuff had resided in the basement until Emma moved in there and the stuff goes up and down yearly. Emma's stuff from her room was basically almost in her house, some of it was trashed or given away with Emma's permission of course but somethings she decided to keep at her parents house just in case she ever decided she wanted them.

In the dusty attic Emma blindly sifts around, she tugged on the string that managed to hit her in the face to find the light to make it easier to see. As soon as she turned it on she found what she had been looking on. She knelt on the wooden floor and lifted the medium sized box from the floor. She blew on it resulting in a cloud of dust and then she brushed off the remaining with her hands so she could read the box. The top of the box had the word MEMORIES scrawled across the top. She pulled the lid off slowly and found it just as she had left it. Inside were pictures, ticket stubs, photographs virtually anything and everything pertaining to her relationships with one Sean Cameron. Inside near the bottom folded neatly was Sean's prized denim jacket. Emma recollected on the day, and remembered it like it was yesterday.

The carnival had come to town in the large open field at Bennet Park the summer before ninth grade. Sean at the time still was wearing his jacket, as night fell the weather started to get cool and Sean offered Emma his jacket so she can warm up. At the end of the night, Sean never asked for it back, in fact when she started to take it off when he dropped her off he told her to keep it. All these years she had it sitting in the box. A man of his word, he never asked for it back even when they were at odds.

Truthfully, Emma surmises that he ultimately forgot about the thing. Even when she assumed it was a new jacket it didn't look new. It looked well worn, preserved, well-made just it seemed like it was older and likely a hand me down but it was still Sean and it sort of still smells like him if she would hold it close to her.

The next thing to catch her eye was the burned-CD the DJ at her mother's wedding had burned for all the guests as a giveaway. It had a mixture of popular songs from the eighties including Snake's one hit with _The Zit Remedy_ 'Everybody Wants Something' but most importantly it was the song that she and Sean danced to together, the one that was playing when she finally gave in and forgave Sean something she had fought. "Just Jane" she whispered to no one in particular. She closed her eyes, recollecting that even with her hair as bad as it was, even with the all the remarks he still liked her. It's a true estimation that their relationship had never been solely based on looks, at least on his side at least she never thought she was attractive as she thought him to be. For Sean, it had always been difficult mustering up the confidence to tell or ask something to Emma, anything. Even may I have a pencil queries, even something small. She made him nervous she was so unpredictable and intense and he was still intense but he was coupled with crippling social anxieties stemming from his silent childhood. Asking Emma to dance was outright the most ballsy thing he had ever done. There was something about Sean, according to Emma that she could never quite pinpoint. He was always such a self-less person. Emma put the lid back on the box and smiled warmly. She knew for sure he was going to be surprised.

Then, she picked up the box tucking it carefully under her arm and, with the other hand she pulled on the light to darken the attic as she made her way down stairs to beat Jack in the video game and finally get home to Manny and Sean to plan their evening out and but of course tell Sean all about it, with mixed results of course.


	8. The Phantom of Sore Subjects

**Author's Note:** So this is the eigth chapter. This chapter may sound like it's a different fic but this is the entrance of other character's so it's not that random keep in mind. To bring you up to speed on things, Spinner has been missing for quite some time to a lot of the characters. A lot of this stuff is happening around the same time I'd like to keep in mind. So basically I'm trying to my best to convey that it's the same day and other things are happening with people throughout town. Do not worry I'm getting back to the other stuff. So this is chapter eight, and it focus' on bringing in new characters - sort of a subplot. I don't want to give anything away just yet. Feel free to ask me if you're confused which I hope I'm clear and stuff. Also, wanted to say that I'm thankful for the reviews. **JazzyRaveler** remarked it's like a miniseries or movie - I guess you can say that. I feel that way too. So I'm going to stop the rambling and let this chapter sort of speak for itself. Happy Halloween, in honor of halloween I might just add one more chapter after this for the patience and the great feed back. I'm just excited about writing a new chapter and submitting a new chapter as people sound when I get feedback/praise. Thank you everyone.

Chapter Eight

The Phantom of Sore Subjects

Darcy Edwards beamed politely as she walked through the door of a place that was familiar to her, she was back in town once again but something or someone was missing. Something was just plain weird about the entire experience. So light, less homey, very lavender and white. Smelled less like a grill and more like coffee.

She looked about the place she had spent many days, dates, dinners, and lattes and couldn't recognize a soul in there. It was like all of a sudden she realized the true repercussions of leaving everyone behind. It looked as if everyone had skipped town and she was the only person holding on like a relic. A phantom.

She was hoping to see anybody she was considered to be friends with but deep down everyone knows in Degrassi you ought to be careful what and how you wish for things because like in a Goosebumps novel you have to be constantly aware that things are never what they seem. Most important of all it's all about being careful what you wish for, of course it is the first step in forming any sort of bond. It had been time well spent being away. Darcy tapped the wood paneling at the door shifting uncomfortably and awkwardly waiting for a hostess.

Finally, her hostess arrives she impatiently grumbles but ultimately beams politely at the girl with blunt bangs she couldn't help but notice how dramatic the style was. It looked different inside, The Dot. Where was the red? Where were the bricks? What was this place? "You must be new in town."

"Not exactly, it's just been awhile."

An unrecognizable high-school aged girl was the hostess; her name tag said Katie, "There was a fire, now it looks like this. That's all I really know."

Darcy was going to say something but she didn't and wordlessly and less than enthusiastic about the circumstance Katie led her to a table in the back. The table was near a large window with plenty of sun to soak with only one other person in the section to share company with. Darcy wondered to herself, "I wonder what her damage is?"

Katie gave her a menu, more like tossed it on the table loudly in efforts to wake up the homeless looking fellow at the table near by. She insistently murmured to Katie, a thank-you although it's not like anyone would remember or care or even be paying attention, "Even the menus look different."

_And to think I wanted to go home. Kenya was beautiful. People actually cared what you did, _Darcy recollected to herself.

"Your server will come by in a few minutes, enough time for you to look over the menu."

Katie was a tall raven-haired athletic looking girl with this uncanny knack to look kind of mope, sure granted what high school girl would want to wait on people twice her age? At least look a little happy or at least content to serve. Even when attempting to smile, she still managed to come off a bit abrasive; she didn't look to be at all patient seeming as if this job was just a paycheck to her. She probably had that spiel committed to memory because the idea of speaking to a stranger was beyond her, "would you like water while you wait?"

Darcy removed her glasses, "Sure that'd be nice."

Once the hostess left, she couldn't help but glance sympathetically to the other person in the room, who was sitting hunched over screwing with the sugar packets and making a bit of a mess like a bored six-year-old with preoccupied parents.

The man, or whomever she figured was facing the windows contemplating something not facing her. His hair was long, from what she could see from the hoodie it was straggly, his clothing looked worse for the wear. Now that show noticed, there was some kind of an odor to the room. You can tell he was less than happy someone was sharing the air or perhaps embarrassed. It smelled like liquor and the smell that occurs when you're outside for too long and you start to smell outdoorsy.

The waitress walked over to his table in trying to take his order, he just shooed her away, rudely at that and said he's thinking about it but yet his menu laid flat on the table. You can only imagine how thin she imagines Katie's patience is at this point, three empty glasses sit in front of him.

Surprisingly enough, when Katie was finally out of the room, he spoke, "I used to _own_ this place."

Darcy politely smiled, he wasn't looking at her but the voice sounded familiar.

"Now look at me. I'm homeless, divorced, and alone. I can't trust anyone ever."

"I'm sure that isn't true." She tried deflecting some of it she had experience in bettering horrible situations. The two people in the room weren't facing or looking at one another. They just continued on some sad sob conversation. While in Kenya she met a lot of children with problems from being orphaned to starving to death so when someone complains about something simple or about emotional things she believes that it's not as bad as they think it is. "What about the trust?"

"Anyone ever cheat on you?"

"That's personal . ." she trailed off toying with her hair uncomfortably fixating upon a particularly troublesome split end. Her hair was quite long, most people would joke she was wearing extensions but the truth was her hair was long and desperately needed a cut and now she's just taking notice to the split ends and now she wants to play with them to pass the time.

"Answer the question." The man was impatient," was it emotional cheating or did you walk in on them."

"Yes, once I suppose but it was a very long time ago." She was silent, he was silent, she looked down at the table, "Yes."

"And the circumstance?"

"It was physical. In retrospect, I don't know how he put up with me and my impossible laundry list of expectations. We were friends after too, I _know_ it was my fault that it didn't work out." Then she realized she was airing her laundry to the lowest bidder, "Why am I telling you this?"

"Because you're a trusting person." The stranger muttered, "like I used to be."

"I just feel like I could trust you."

"You could tell my ex-wife that. At least somebody could. I'm no saint though."

"I would've loved him too. Who am I kidding? I did love him. Now he's gone." Darcy added, "if only I just let it go. Now I'm alone in a small town, wishing I had a friend - so I talk to a stranger in a diner." She noticed that the stranger was just looking out the window, had spoken to her but didn't even stop to look at her once. "Did you go to school by here?"

The stranger nodded, "I used to rule that school. Degrassi fucking high, my ex girlfriend were the regrettably perfect couple. You know what I'm talking about right? I managed to screw up a lot of good things I had in high school."

"As much as I never thought I would, I miss that place."

"You're too young to actually miss that place." He turned around, bewildered at the sight he saw. It was indeed a familiar face. Spinner Mason her ex boyfriend whom she admits was the first guy she loved and the breakup was on such crappy terms. He looked disheveled. He lost a lot of weight. He looked homeless.

"Spinner! What happened to you?" Darcy questioned, with alarm and worry for her old friend. She got up out of her seat and hugged him tight without thinking. Spinner returned the hug and just cried, it's clear he had drunk and without a home for some time.

"What brings you back?" Spinner wiped away some tears with the top of his hand.

"It's my sister, my sister is very sick. It looks bad."

Spinner pulled away bashfully refusing to look her in the eye, "I'm sorry and I'm sorry I stink."

"I just haven't . . seen you in a long time." Darcy politely smiled, first familiar face I've seen in town, "you need a place to stay. Stay with my family it's the least I can do. No, I won't take no for an answer."

"I couldn't impose . . you said about your sister. . "

"It's not imposing when I invited you in the first place." Darcy playfully nudged him, "Plus, she lives at the hospital. I take it your parents don't live close by?"

"They moved a long time ago to be close to perfect Kendra at her college. With her perfect rich boyfriends family close by and all. After I got divorced, and they found out it was my fault after they kind of said they didn't approve of my wife and everything and now look. None of it matters. I know they still care . . "

"All the more reason you stay with me. We'll get you cleaned up, I'm sure my mother would be overjoyed to see you."

Darcy's magically changed tune changed, just as their waitress finally arrived. She made Spinner move to her table. They sat together; saw a lot of funny looks from Katie included who can see the two holding hands at the table. It wasn't romantic, but it could be read that way at least not now was it romantic. Was it ever a sight for sore eyes? An old friend from the good days was just what she needed.


	9. Relics and Chitchat

Author Note: Not exactly fond of this chapter, but here it goes. I have the other chapters in the works but enjoy this one in the meantime. Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate them.

**Chapter 9**

**Relics and Chitchat**

A few minutes after twelve-o' clock and earlier that day, Emma and Manny with bags in hands walked into the food court of the mall took their seats and sat down putting their bags on the other two unused chairs and sat down. They grabbed their bag of food Emma got sushi and Manny splurged and got a burger. Emma ripped open her chopsticks and Manny opened up her burger and they dug in and at least started their first bit of food. They've talked for the better part of the morning reminiscing, and just enjoying the company of one another all morning. It sure worked up an appetite so they found themselves in for lunch. "You know, you _have _to see Jay." Emma reminded after taking a sip of her drink through the straw.

Manny sighed shaking her head taking a french fry and absent-mindedly dipping it into a mess of ketchup avoiding Emma's gaze, "I just – I don't know what to say to him now. He's been a great guy, a great boyfriend, a great substitute best friend to you – I don't want to fuck that up but I don't want to be dishonest with him when I know we don't share that stuff. At least not anymore. At least I don't think so - - "

Emma thought things through thoughtfully but couldn't help but think about the past, her expression was one of concern. "Remember what happened_ last time_ you two broke up?"

"How could I forget? Had to get my number changed three times and then he made friends with the phone guy and then when I did it again still ended up with my number. He's relentless when he knows what he wants."

"I just think the circumstances are just vastly different now."

"Yeah, I accidentally cheated." Manny mutters in a hushed tone, "now let's see what he would do now."

Emma was silent and sighed, "I've been there cheater and cheated."

Manny snickered, "I know, _whore_."

The blonde snickered, throwing her straw trash at Manny with a shrug and looked at her with a muffled tone, "So what are you thinking?"

In reply Manny sighed, "I think you're actually right about Craig."

"Remind me." Emma relished the win but she also knew that all along Manny had no real want to dump Jay she was just having that lapse in time and was suffering.

"I mean, that_ he's_ wrong."

Emma nodded and reveled with celebration, "Told you so."

"Shut up!" Manny paused, impulsively she once again spoke asking, "It's just, Emma. . . is it _normal_ to have these feelings?"

"Hold that thought, tonight we're getting our groove back."

"You didn't answer my questions!"

"What's there to say? You know everything about Sean and I. Everything there is to know. You were there."

The brunette couldn't argue with that. I mean sometimes they both suffer from the worst cases of foot and mouth. It's just circumstances make you constantly say everything with a hopeful but attached way.

Manny looked at Emma as if she had five heads causing Emma to continue, "We're going out with Sean and Jay you and Jay are gonna work shit out Sean and Emma are gonna get busy finding our relationship and well . . Craig will be but a memory."

Manny sighed remaining sort of contemplative, "I just never thought that I would have to be the one to make the choice."

"You _always_ had a choice. It just takes some finessing" Emma beamed in trying to make Manny feel much happier and less uneasy about the current state of circumstances. The blonde and the brunette were finishing their food. An idea had popped in Emma's head, "I have a few errands to make, you wouldn't mind chillin' out somewhere and then -"

"I do too." Manny interrupted.

"Yeah I have to stop at home and get something from the house, my parents house."

"Oh take your time, I have to buy some stuff I saw in Garage. That purple track suit you bought earlier makes me want to get one." Emma bought a purple tracksuit that was cute and she liked it enough to wear right out of the store. Manny bought the majority of things, Manny was the one with the bags. Emma had but a small set of garments she was able to fit in her tote so that she could easily go for a run to go to her parents house.

.** .** .

It was around one-clock and the house was completely silent. Sean woke up with a start. _Had it all been a dream?_ The sun shone brightly in Emma's home he was beginning to see that last night really happened but evidently there wasn't a sound to be heard. _Where is she?_

She saw two or three pieces of expensive looking luggage near the door, it was Manny's from the night before. He finally got up and started to look around the empty house although the lights were off the room had plenty of natural sunlight during waking hours. He managed to notice there was quite a bit of a mess on the counter, Emma and Manny's mugs of half-drunk coffee and next to it with a ring from coffee was on the paper, it had a little note addressed on it.

_Sean, _

_It's Emma. You looked so cute I dared not to wake you, figured you still needed to sleep. It's about 830 now and I should be back soon. _

_If you're wondering I'm out shopping with Manny. I should be home soon. I feel awful for leaving you there but I had to do a few things. Don't worry nothing major had to stop at home for a few things, and Manny and I wanted to go shopping. Feel free to raid to fridge for something you like I shouldn't be gone long, I do wish you stay though because I'd like to catch up. Maybe we all can do something tonight?_

_Love, Em_

"Love Emma" he read it again a smile played on his lips, even in a note she never ceases to make him smile. He decided to take her up on her offer. He looked in the fridge found mostly _Whole Foods_ and _Trader Joe's_ spreads, yogurt, other miscellany and funky vegan foods like tofu but then he came across _Nutella_ in the fridge and noticed there was some bread atop the counter. Sean has always had a sweet tooth when it comes to breakfast, if he could he'd devour a chocolate cake which he did for the first week he had a place of his own but the novelty wore off mostly by a two in the afternoon crash. He naturally decided to make himself a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich because he was not keen on being ambitious when it came to matters of the stomach.

Once he finished his sandwich he heard giggling and nondescript talking coming from behind the door before the door opened, in came Emma and Manny with many shopping bags. Emma and Manny had met up on the street and they were able to come home at the same time. Thank God for cellphones. Manny joked as she opened the door Manny called out in a sing-song voice, "Oh Sleeping Beauty . . . "

"Good morning to you." Sean said putting his plate in the sink after he had finished his food.

"I think you mean good afternoon. It's like 2. So what you end up getting yourself to eat?" Emma asked situating things with the box in her arms. She had told Manny all about it, but Manny knew she kept things just never to that degree.

"Nutella and peanut butter you know well I don't understand your vegan crap."

"You are a glutton for chocolate as always." Emma stated matter-of-factly.

"I'm going to take a shower alright?" Manny excused herself once the bags were out of her hands and sitting next to her luggage making a b-line for the shower, most likely trying to give the pair some time alone.

"Towels are in the small closet," Emma called back to her as she finally put down the blue box she had retrieved from her parents house on the counter by Sean not saying a word about it.

"Thanks!" Manny echoed.

Emma turned to Sean and smiled, "Sorry to leave you like that but Manny is almost never in town and –"

"I understand." Sean just stated plainly, looking uncomfortably at his shifting feet, thinking how strange it is that after all the nitpicking in his head, all the worries, fears, emotions and he's left dumbstruck like the teen he was when he was with her years ago, he can never seem to find the words he wants to say.

"Did you think of anything you wanted to do tonight?"

"The bar would be cool, have some drinks, swap stories with our friends. Jay and Manny we can double up, get nice and toasted drink and come back here and watch movies double cheese"

Emma unintentionally made a face, "or no? Maybe we can go to Jay's . . or just forget the idea."

"There's just one minor snag." Emma looked away wistfully.

"What? Manny doesn't want to hang?"

"Don't repeat this but between you and me Manny doesn't want to date Jay anymore, in fact she's thinking about calling it off this week while she's in town. I hate it because we've all been so chummy lately and my loyalties are all askew because she's my best friend, she's been my best friend she got sort of miffed that I was defending him because I'm his best friend too and while she was away I got close with him and if they break up it's going to be all kinds of awkward and I'll probably lose a friend."

"That's not true, Emma. You're not going to be forced to choose."

"Leave it to me to find the worst case scenario."

"I think that's _my_ shtick."

Emma laughed, "Oh before I forget." Emma opened up the box and pulled out the denim jacket, "I went home and I managed to find this thing, look at this relic."

Sean gasped, "Is that mine?"

Emma held it to her chest, "Mhm but you gave it to _me_ already, finders keepers."


	10. Ground Rules

**Chapter 10**

**Ground Rules**

Spinner Mason adjusted a newly buttoned up dress shirt in Darcy's father's condo in the spare bedroom. He of course was wearing one of her fathers dress shirts. His job typically required him to have an abundance to dress a small army with various colors and styles to choose from. Spinner was wearing a light blue one. His hair, still damp and long reminiscent of when he was a junior except he almost never brushed it. The first time she met Spinner he had long curly locks. He combed it in the mirror pursing his lips together as he parted it to the side and stayed still. He didn't know that Darcy watched him from the crook of the door just then and he turned his head around seeing her reflection in the reflection, "I clean up nice, I guess?"

Darcy gestured proudly and dumbfounded, beaming with her hands in her jean pockets, cross-legged about to sit on the bed, "I'm just surprised you can fit in some of my dads clothes."

After Kenya, Darcy moved in with her father opposed to her mother. They never really got along it's been recently turbulent because Darcy refused to come home from Kenya a year ago when her marriage was failing. She sided with her father. Her mother rarely respected her wishes. She really did love it in Kenya. She had met a lot of missionaries and such but then she met a boy there who wasn't any of that and she started embracing other great things. When that went south she got busy with volunteering and then her father reached out to her. It was her time to go. She has no regrets leaving or staying but she did miss her family and worried for her sister. Darcy could hardly remember a civil time between her mother and her. Clare was clearly the daughter she _really_ wanted. Darcy knew it was no secret she hadn't been planned. Although the condo space is small it did have a spare bedroom which was to be for Spinner. Largely the bedroom remained modest and practically unfurnished but it had some knickknacks from her father's now-deceased mother sit on a shelf and basic comforts like a twin bed and a wood chest for clothes, and of course it's no Edward's home without nightstand with a bible in the first drawer.

Jesus doesn't rule her life as much as it used to but she believes it's nice to know he's there and that he cares. Her father is sort of strict so as much as he was weary of a boy moving in, a homeless one at that he was generally accepting of people his daughter brought around. He remembered Spinner, they had plenty of family dinners while Darcy and Spinner were together the first time around but when they had broken up he was quasi-banned from the house for 'breaking his daughter's heart' but that was years ago.

Spinner all clean and dry, not smelling, not anything, "My dad thinks it's cool if you stay, rooms is all yours."

"You mean it? Thank-you Darcy you are my savior - -"

"But . . " She interrupted as the bearer of somewhat of bad news she was unsure he could take. Spinner was aware of the way things were when he was together. Darcy's father was a former minister and a man of God so he had some standards that Spinner had no choice to abide by if he was going to be living with them. He felt like a teenager once again. His mother was much the same except she was a catholic so she wasn't _as_ strict. When he was living at home girls were rarely allowed in a bedroom and if they were doors had to be open to I guess deter him from letting his hormones rage. She raised him well as well as Kendra, by herself after his father died. She was a no bull shit woman though, strong as an ox too. Spinner sometimes feels apologetic that he didn't do as well with how he was raised with the tools he was given. He never made her feel so proud but little things mattered to her the most. As long as he gave it his best. She was always proud of Kendra because she never had gone through some of the stages and horrors of a parent. Kendra was always scholarly and always followed the rules. It seemed as though Darcy and Spinner had similar dealings with siblings. In high school they both were the ones more concerned with friends, social obligations their reputation and who their date would be for the abundance of dances and parties than their younger siblings. Spinner was really protective of his sister though.

"My dad can't be here because he's away on business and he wanted me to lay you down some ground rules. They're basically outlines on mine. I know it sounds crazy."

"No girls, no unexpected pet surprises . . "

"Yeah, you get it. If you do have a girl over, door open no excuses. Turn off all appliances when you're not using them and conserve electricity it's a gift." She almost mocked her father's exact words, "and just let us know where you go because . . now I don't want to be bad cop but I don't know what's been going on with you these days but from what I see you're pretty troubled."

Spinner furrowed his brow, she did have a point where she saw him as quite possibly would be best described at his lowest point, down and out, broke and homeless. At the same time, it just stung hearing it from someone aloud. He looked down at his feet in a pair of clean white socks, beside him were Dockers moccasins he tried on that belong to Darcy's dad, but they don't fit. He then looked at his old shoes, that Darcy had come in to give him. She threw him in the washing machine, good as new. Still looking worse for the wear but at least the soles weren't coming off like his first pair, these were fairly new hocked from a dumpster at the Foot Locker at the mall. A misprint on the pair of Nike's, happens from time to time at the factory. Employees were basically had to toss out any misprints and the brand would send them more. Corporate shit, that he was able to gain from. He slipped his feet in the shoes, as the room managed to fall silent.

"Sorry." Darcy said, "we'll go shoe shopping soon but in the meantime they're not as bad as they were."

"I appreciate everything you've done for me already. I wish there was a way I could pay it forward."

"Spin, just take things one step at a time. I'm just glad you're doing well. There's one thing my dad really wants from you though, you have to promise me you can be clean and sober."

"I-I don't drink." Spinner lied turning around.

"Spinner let's be real. When we hugged at The Dot, you smelled like _pure_ alcohol."

Spinner refused to face her and relented followed by a hopeless sigh. Of all the things she did for him she managed to still catch him in a lie. By his shoulder, she turned him around to face her after she made her way toward him, "Spinner, honesty is the best policy. If you want a place to live you just _have_ to be honest. If you're struggling with the sobriety shit - we don't have to go cold turkey or anything, there's rehab and -"

"I can stop, Darc."

"I believe you. We'll do it together. If it'll help I won't drink either."

"You don't have to make accommodations for me."

"I'll be there for you though, if you need me. We can go to all the AA meetings. It's not a big deal for me."

"Thank-you."

"Oh and, you don't have to get a job right away but my dad does want some help out, monetarily with groceries and such. He might be able to pull some strings if you'd like to work with him."

"You guys are so generous." Spinner says hugging her. Darcy fell into the hug taking in his new clean aroma of clean fresh shampoo and the old familiar scents of the boy she had loved so many years ago. Familiar traces of déjà vu were clear. To Spinner he felt like some stray puppy in someones home. To Darcy he was so much more than that.

…

Sean Cameron had his hands in his pockets keeping them from freezing as he walked up the steps to the apartment he and Jay shared. He opened the door to find his roommate fast asleep on the couch, he put his cold hands on his face to wake him.

"Fuck, dude where were you last night?"

He smelled him, probably for sex concerned about what he or rather who he crashed with the night before or assuming it was a girl involved he scrunched up his nose and looked up at him rather menacingly finally he spoke, "Sean you handsome devil, I see you found Emma Nelson. It's just like old times."

Sean as Jay sat up plopped next to him on the large and roomy checkered couch. Cheap as dirt but none the less comfy it kind of squared off half the room tapering with a large ottoman that was covered with an afghan that Jay compulsively often threw on there when others frequented the couch, he continued "I know that smell from anywhere."

Sean rolled his eyes, "I hear you two are rather chummy."

Jay impersonated a boy scout finger gesture, "Scouts honor, hands were to myself. I'm a gentleman."

"I appreciate that dude." Sean said but then he got a bit more serious in tonality, "but we're all going out tonight where we will be anything but model men."

Jay vibrated his hands together with friction and looked at Sean with primitive eyes, "My girl is back in town once again."

"Calm your loins now and get ready."

"Will do, but first details."

Sean teased Jay when he heard him press for details of the night. "Who are you, Manny? Since you met her you've gone soft."

"I could say the same about you and Emma, you know between you and me she loves you dude."

"I know." Sean hesitated attempting to hide the elated smile that comes around on his face when he thinks of her, the memories and last of course the vanilla.

"Tell me what happened."

"Nothing, we talked, took a walk until it got too cold and then she invited me over, we talked some more and then Manny came over, there was some drama and then she went to bed and then we fell asleep. No Jay, we didn't have sex."

"Always a gentleman, always a gentleman." Jay clapped his hands proud for his friend who finally was reunited with the girl of his dreams, "hats off to you man because you know that's not how I roll."

"Psh_, that's_ for sure."

Jay got up and stretched it appeared he had been on the couch for several hours, a blue screen on the television in front of them showed he had gamed for the majority of the day. _Grand Theft Auto_ was their favorite game, and when they came out with the most recent expansion the two old friends have done nothing but gaming for the first day Sean arrived, "I'm going to hop in the shower and get ready to see my woman, by best friend and my other best friend get shit faced at the bar tonight."

"You do that just don't use all the hot water on yourself though." Sean called, reminding him of the last time Jay showered before he got to and he got in for a rude awakening. Sean wasn't used to the cool temperatures of their locale and became accustomed to the middle-eastern climate, mostly warm and sandy. Sand though disgusted him. He felt like no matter how hard he scrubbed he felt like he was scrubbing himself with sand, rough and plenty sand. He often had rashes occasionally that wasn't an uncommon occurrence.

Jay jokingly flashed him the middle finger as Jay left the room to get ready, lifting his tee-shirt while mobile and Sean leaned back on the couch and smiled to himself with relief that all had gone well. Tonight was going to be great and he couldn't be more excited.


	11. Primping and Pregaming

**Chapter Eleven**

Primping and Pregaming

Elsewhere, Emma and Manny are busy getting ready for the evening out primping in front of the bathroom vanity as Manny is curling Emma's long hair, "So you guys play twenty-one questions, then what?"

"And then he kissed me." Emma said as her cheeks began to pink not from the blush she had already applied.

"Cute." Manny said taking another piece of hair as she sighed, "I don't know if I can break up with him tonight. _It's like hey babe I'm in town let's break up_."

Emma laughed but then quickly saw the look on Manny's face and changed her expression smiled at her sympathetically, spinning the chair around to face her friend taking both hands into hers, "I mean it's the right thing to do."

"I just –" Manny bit her lip, "I don't want him to – what if he starts _crying_ or something?"

"You don't _have_ to but you at least have to talk to him. The longer you prolong it the worse it's going to be."

Manny sighed as Emma turned around, she wrapped the piece of hair into the curling iron, "It's just . . . it's not like I _don't _care about him I just feel really guilty. I feel like we're just in two different places literally and figuratively."

"What's wrong with saying that?" Emma asked hopeful that Manny could just get her story straight. Sometimes she wonders if they are still in high school with the trivial worries that have been happening lately in their friendship. First there was the freakout over Sean and now her sudden change of heart over her five-year relationship with Jay. Enough was enough, Emma had lived a relatively calm life and even in the worst part of her divorce proceedings things were never as dramatic as they are tonight.

"It's simply not the truth. Rather, the whole truth. I want to do this right, if I do."

"Yeah but I think it'd be better off if you just told him the obvious and then maybe later explain the other, it's like ripping a band-aid. I'm feeling guilty by telling you how to dump my best friend."

Manny gingerly raked her hands through her friend's hair making sure all the curls had body. "You're right, and your hair is complete."

"Manny you're a Godsend." Emma beamed getting off the stool and admiring her 'do, she looked to Manny, "You think Sean will like it?"

"He'd be dumb not to but guys don't typically give a damn about stuff like that."

"I just really want to impress him."

"And you will. Come on 'em, it's Sean we're talking about. You could come out in a towel and he'd fawn over you." Manny answered calmly, "not to mention when you'll be wearing this." She pulled out a black casual looking dress; it had a short body con bottom that is designed to hug curves.

Emma quickly exclaimed dropping her jaw, "Manny!" Holding the dress by the hanger to her body in the mirror, "I can't wear that, it's too expensive."

Manny just chuckled, "Well _yeah_ it's expensive but . . . he'll never have to know. My closet is your closet. "

"I think that only works when I'm in your house." However Emma was already in love with the dress. It was absolutely perfect. It was sexy, it was lovely and it would be just what she needs to seal the deal with Sean. Not that she'd need any extra help from the dress. Sean was absolutely without a doubt smitten with her.

Emma quickly peeled off her top and sweatpants and pulled the dress onto herself, it really made her instantly feel more confident about the first time she'll be seeing Sean since the night before. A lot of things had been said. They already covered a lot of bases so tonight is essentially about blowing off some steam, having a good time and hopefully getting to do some more of the same thing as last night. She admired herself in the mirror.

Manny wore an off the shoulder magenta dress that had a deep v-neck showing a fair amount of cleavage it was some what of a show stopper but Emma dare not make a comment unless she asked her to.

As Emma attempted to clean up the bathroom, putting away the make up and collecting her dirty clothes before the boys arrived, Manny got the different liquor out of the liquor cabinet and took out four cups and the mixers out of the fridge. With her heels on she was better able to get access to the napkins and the stereo for some mood music.

The blond adjusted everything feeling satisfied in the mirror before she looked back at Manny who she heard shuffling about, "Ready?"

A few moments later they heard the doorbell ring, Emma walked up to the door and saw Sean and Jay standing there dressed in dress shirts with jeans, Emma could smell Sean's cologne from the hall. Emma wrapped her arms around Sean and Jay and let them in.

Manny walked up to Jay feigning excitement and hugged him close, "Hey babe. Sorry I didn't come by your place I just wanted to drop in and surprise Em." Emma made a face they couldn't see but she interrupted so that there could be a way they all can just drop the loaded subject.

"We got a couple different mixers. A bunch of different liquors so free game." Emma announced to her friends as she poured herself a cup of Captain Morgan and Coke. At the rate she was going, she was _really_ going to need the drink.

When Manny let go of Jay finally, Emma leaned in and gave her friend Jay a kiss on the cheek and a hug, and greeted Sean with a sweet kiss on the lips. Afterward she sipped her drink and took notice to Sean as he impatiently held a red cup and stood next to Emma she turned and smiled, "What do you want to drink, Sean?"

Sean whispered sweetly in Emma's ear, "You look great by the way." Emma looked at him and just smiled happily, "and I'll have what you are having."

"You do too." Emma replied adding afterwards, "I hope you like 'em strong."

After Sean's drink was finished she passed it to him as they both sipped their drinks simultaneously, Emma was used to the taste, "You weren't kidding they _are_ strong." He snickered as he recovered from the sip with a bitter expression he continued, "but they're _good_."

Emma pat Sean on the back, before they both turned their attention to Jay and Manny talking and hugging silently on the other side of the room. Both of them were looking as if there wasn't a thing wrong with their relationship and making Emma and Sean feel like they've been played for fools. Emma surmised that perhaps Manny was just waiting for a good time like she had mentioned earlier she didn't want him to walk into Manny breaking up with him or maybe she was right earlier, and that there was nothing to worry about.

Emma hopelessly looked at Sean hoping he can offer any kind of insight before he spoke suddenly softly, "He didn't even know she was coming to town." Observing Manny talk about they could only assume the usual. Tip toeing around the obvious. Jay was obviously thrilled but Emma and Sean both knew there was something all too sinister about it.

Emma replied back just as soft so they don't get some wild idea they were talking about them negatively, "It's just not like her."

Jay quickly pulled Emma aside, "So I'm pressing you for _deets_, Em. I want to know everything."

This gave Emma somewhat of a guilty complex, which immediately she wanted to bury any outward appearance of it. To be fair, she was feeling guilty but only because she feared his _reaction_ of Manny's deceit. Jay had a tendency to react either violently, big or almost stalker-like scary behavior when Manny broke it off with him in the past. In her way of not telling him anything it's to protect him because it's Manny's secret to tell. It's times like these she wonders why she used to bother and meddle so much because it only makes trouble for everyone. Before she spoke hesitated, "Are you _sure_?"

"Not everyday you reconnect with an old love." Jay revealed matter of factly stepping in front of Emma, "You act like I don't know how you feel about Cameron over there. You only told me a thousand times. I aint stupid." Jay asked Emma looking at Manny and Sean talk somewhat distracted. How could she revel in her own personal things when she has Jay to worry about. On the outside he's an adult and surely could take care of himself, but with him her protective nature comes out when his picture perfect relationship goes down the tubes, what then? Emma chalked up Manny's behavior up to nerve she was just relieved to find that Jay just was _only_ pressing Emma about the night before.

"I guess Sean doesn't kiss and tell." Emma looked back up at her friend with a smile.

"I'm hoping you'll at least tell your friends. Namely me, surrogate Manny tells no tales."

"Later." Emma answered happily putting her arm around her friend after she finished pouring him a drink, "When I get enough drinks in me sure."

"I'll be waiting. I've just never been so surprised that Manny managed to keep a secret like that from everyone." Emma didn't look at him pretending and thinking hard to concentrate on what exactly went in his drink of choice but also because of his inconspicuous way of wording Manny's surprise drop in, "No one knew she was coming to town. You didn't know right?"

"Right." Emma answered stirring a drink absent-mindedly before finally making contact with him, "so what were you two giggling about over there?"

Emma got a sluggish feeling in her stomach the one she used to get when she would see Alex Nunez in the hall until she finally graduated, she'd never know that Emma had helped her boyfriend cheat on her. Even when the rumors were abound that she had no interest in guys and identified as gay she still dare not let that secret escape from her lips. Emma wasn't afraid of Alex. She felt guilty because of Alex. Although tonight that wasn't going to be on her mind, she had no wish to take that trip to memory lane and think of a girl she hadn't seen or heard from in nearly a decade.

"Oh you know, Manny. She told me about everything she did in LA, the pilot she got, the tv movie went fine. She's doing great Emma, isn't that great?" Emma surmised there was no mention of Craig, which means tonight was not the night. However she worried for her friend mostly on the matter of the heart, both of them.

That lingering thoughts about that and tonight was just going to be awkward. Awkward to please Sean, awkward to spare Jay's feelings and keep Manny's playing-along agenda overall it just seems like tonight is going to be about everyone else much to all who know the truth's discontent.

. . .

Alex Nunez briskly walking scantily clad in a short black body-con dress holding a medium-sized duffel bag with her shoulder. Into the gritty dressing room she goes. The desolate wasteland of the backside of "Paradise" Cove covered with out dated posters, six to seven vanities all with a few missing lights each, dimly lit and most of all empty. She chuckled to herself at the idea on countless nights like this, _You'd think with all the money the dancers earn and they get for the dancers they'd fix the freakin' lights already._

Catching her breath she found herself filled with a sigh or relief. She was early but she had always feared being late and being put on the chopping block. She works two jobs here by day she's a cocktail waitress but by night she's another person. Sometimes she'll pile a third shift on but sometimes she needs the sleep more than the money, but when she really needs the money because her crusty landlord wants it early to blow his full on some Chad-like bull shit she has to shell it out early. It's not exactly uncommon for her to work out a deal with him even if she's not exactly first choice for a guy. She's no angel, she had plenty of rough, straight sex before she identified as gay. Even though she struggles, at the end of the day she has managed some relationships since her ill-fated first run-ins with Paige. Her last serious relationship also ended pretty badly, the girl was a transient traveler who never would be able to stay in the same place at the same time. She would have been ideal years ago but while Alex searched for stability the girl would often stray and wander, she walked in on her using her stash and with her shirt off with the other girl. Alex drew the conclusion and she never saw her again. She's hooked up before with another girl, it just was easier if she took emotions and feelings out of the equation and did whatever. Money is initially the most important thing to Alex, it gets her what she needs. Oh, one other thing the parting gift her ex girlfriend left her with was an addiction she can't seem to squash.

No longer did Alex look like herself though she was slender and built like rail with legs for miles clad in black stilettos with her vice in her hands.

She impatiently threw her bag down and saw her stage name _'Lexxtacy'_ emblazoned on the sign above her. She had gotten spotty sleep the night before at a guy's hotel room. Unfortunately she didn't get much sleep because he wanted to drink and she wanted to sleep. His neighbors were loud and boisterous and she found herself waking up several times that night. She had stayed with a few girls who dance with her but they don't exactly approve of her drug habit. A few that she's close to have young children and already have had some issues with letting Alex in their home knowing that. She's not proud of it but she understands. She pulled out her wrinkled and worn costume pulling it over her head adjusting it in front of the mirror. The next crisis came when struggled to find her hairbrush to fix her hair muttering, "Shit" in a mad dash to get ready she had lost her brush somewhere. Someone probably swiped it. Makeup and hair supplies are pretty easy to steal if someone is on stage it's the prime opportunity for theft. Alex had always been sort of vigilant about it and on the look out for her own things because she doesn't have a home to put her stuff she just carries everything with her at all times but she'd be shit out of luck if someone went into her bag while on stage.

From the looks of it she looks worse for the wear dead broke and feeling pretty hopeless now. Dark circles had formed under her eyes. Her once luminous skin's color fading fast her body starved from an improper diet her long hair tied up in a pony. Last night's makeup still on her face she couldn't even be bothered to change it or was it off.

She took the small vanity mirror from her duffel bag and quietly thankful no one is with her at the moment and that no one saw her come in.

She carefully spilled the white powder from the tiny baggy on the mirror, rolled her bottom dollar sniffed the powder substance touching her nose, squinting her heavily made up eyes. She yawned. The drugs are the only things that keep her working through the night. The money is the most important thing and she knows tonight she'd make good money.

Stripping to make ends meet she always silently prays that someone she know never stumbles into the club. Everyone she had ever known had given up on her. She just doesn't want to hear anyone's disappointment including her own within herself. The job although degrading, paid good enough and since she didn't have friends to speak of it made it easier. In the years that passed high school she skipped town to live with her aunt who got back on the drugs and took her down with her leaving Alex homeless and addicted to drugs and whizzed her back where she came from only with her parent to speak of nowhere to be found.

Her mother, bless her soul is still with Chad who still beats up on her as far as she knows. Alex had always sworn she'd never wind up like her and she's better off alone than with somebody like him. She liked it that way. At least she knew she was safe.

Chad and her mom left town around the time Alex left their home for Paige's and never looked back they were thoughtful enough to call her and let her know. Home she scoffed at the thought, if you could even call it that. So she had to do what she had to do with what she had, namely her assets.

A few of the girls passed Alex by getting ready for their shift, they completely side eyed the remaining powder on her compact one girl had the nerve to ask, "Are you going to finish that?"

Alex shot back with a glare. It takes everything in her not to cry over her circumstances. She was used to that whole thing, holding it in, not talking about her feelings. It makes it easier when she doesn't have friends although she contemplated that it would be nice to have that despite having to make the efforts.

Obviously, her life had never been easy but on the other hand her life had also never been this hard.

The girl simply snickered putting on her more extravagant looking costume and applied her make up. She had raven hair like Alex but she was much younger and her hair was much longer and better taken care of. Alex's hair riddled with split ends. Fed up and frustrated, Alex went to the bathroom and took her compact with her; it was there where she finished her baggies worth she didn't want to give the girl the satisfaction. That's the thing about doing drugs in that industry, nobody is going to tell on you but it wouldn't stop them from looking down on you for doing it in the first place. She already had a warning from her boss so she keeps in on the down low, and it's an honor system, no one is going to test you but clients and girls who want more hours will tattle if they suspect a dancer is using.


End file.
